Animal, Accomplishments, Aspirations, Actualization

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
If I were an animal, I'd be a cat. I love laying in the warm patch of sunshine on the table. I could sleep most of the day away easily. I'm very affectionate and love to cuddle but I also like to play and have fun. Like my kitty, I'm very protective of those I love.

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
A) I stopped hurting myself five years ago. I haven't given in once in the last five years despite being tempted. It was difficult at first but with friends and G-d, I've managed. :)
B) I was the first one in my pedigree to graduate from high school and to get a bachelor's degree. This is a big accomplishment for me.
C) I've never done anything I wasn't comfortable with physically. Every kiss, every step forward was not done under pressure. Though I may now wish that I'd made different choices, never did I make a step because someone else wanted me to.
D) I survived three months in London away from the man I loved as well as all of my family at 19. I then traveled to Germany where I used solely my second language for five days and THEN continued on for five days in Rome alone. I don't speak a word of Italian. When I'm not sure that I can handle some things, I remind myself that if I can handle 5 days in a country where I don't speak a word of the language, I can probably handle whatever the situation is.
E) Ending a relationship that wasn't right for me on my own terms in my own time and coming back from that ready to become the godly woman I want to be and that G-d deserves to worship Him

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
I wish I were better at something creative. Writing, painting, music (guitar/piano, singing). I have a smidgen of talent in each area but not enough that I feel accomplished in any. Mind you though I also haven't worked hard at cultivating a talent in any of them so I suppose that great self-control would be even better. Then I might be able to manage my time, work out to be healthy, write more often, learn to play guitar, practice piano, use my voice for more than singing along to the radio.

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
I'm not entirely sure which to pick. There were some very hurtful things that Ron managed to say during the course of our fights which I forgave. I've had to forgive friends for being well crappy friends. But I think that the most difficult thing to forgive is actually myself. When I chose to sleep with Ron, I broke a promise I'd made when I was 9 years old. Every time that I made the choice to slip into bed with him, I hurt myself. I hurt our relationship as much as it felt like the opposite. I hurt G-d and I hurt my connection to Him. When I finally realized just how awful that was and how much I shouldn't have done that, I felt awful. I dealt with guilt and shame and I struggled majorly with the ideas of purity and virginity, with repentance and forgiveness. I didn't know if I was clean in G-d's eyes but I wasn't in my own. I'm still not sure if I believe I'm pure or clean. I am not a virgin and will never use that term to describe myself again. And I never did like the term pure anyhow. These struggles are sort of on the back burner for me now though I ought to consider them more fully. I have, however, forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made. I'm still broken over it but I'm healing and I've managed to realize why I did that, why I broke that promise to myself. Overcoming that and forgiving myself for that sin is the hardest thing I've had to forgive. And I have brought this before G-d and I have asked his forgiveness. I was never in doubt that He forgave me once I asked and repented. I just needed to know what repentance meant.

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Things 12 through 14 (Typical Day, Weaknesses, Strengths)

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
I thought this one deserved to at least be at the start of a post considering how much the difference is in my life given my job.
8:00am - First alarm goes off. Roll over and tell it to shut up.
8:50am - Second alarm goes off. Roll over and tell it to shut up.
9:20am - Snooze from second alarm goes off for the third time. Finally get up and get ready.
9:35am - Enter apartment five minutes late for work. Make coffee, gradually take over control of Nuria.
The next three hours are spent with Nuria, hanging out, playing, and letting her nap in the baby sling on my chest.
12:30pm - Break. Drink another cup of coffee. Chat with Kathrin. Read on my Kindle.
1:15pm - Lunch is typically done around this time. I start eating with Nuria and Kathrin but often end up finishing by myself. After lunch, I spend time on facebook, pinterest, or reading.
4:00pm - I take over for the girls again for the next two hours. Often the baby is asleep at first so we play at home and then go out to a playground after she wakes up.
6:00pm - I'm free for the evening but wind up helping out with the girls anyhow during dinner, before bed, etc. I spend the rest of the evening doing research online, Skyping, watching Netflix, etc.
9:00pm - I throw the girls in bed (literally) and back to Artemis.
1:00am - I finally shut off the computer and go to bed.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
If there's something I feel bad about, I will beat myself up about it for... a long time. I've probably got the world most incredible guilt complex.
Faith - I'm not good at living my faith as strongly as I ought to. I don't read my Bible or pray every day. I don't go to church. I don't know if those around me would describe me as Christian right off the bat.
Saving money - I like to spend money. I don't do well at budgeting or saving. I'd rather buy the coffee today than save for the trip four months from now.
Coping - My mental illnesses overwhelms me sometimes. I'd rather hide away in my bubble to stay "safe" than risk anything. The thought of possibly being judged keeps me from "crowds" and that's from my anxiety. I have a hard time overcoming some of my symptoms and living in a seemingly normal way.
Inability to make new friends - I don't know where to find new friends, how to start conversations, or how to go from acquaintance to friend.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
When my life is falling to pieces, I may struggle for a bit on my own but I realize fairly quickly to turn to G-d and lean on His strength. I've learned over the years that is the only way to survive the hard times. I seek His face, I worship, I journal.
When I love, it's with all I have. When I love, I'm willing to do anything I can for that person. To protect those that I love, I will do anything. And when I say I love you, it is not out of habit or because I feel obligated. It's because I believe your presence makes my life better and I don't want you to ever forget that.
As I've been told many times, I'm more grown-up than some of the adults in my family. I don't enjoy getting drunk. I don't enjoy parties. I know the right thing to do and most of the time I do it. My maturity is one of my strengths.
I've also got an unbelievable ability to multi-task. I am the queen of the multi-task.
I'm also a good listener and fairly good at giving advice. I may not be perfect but when my friends are in trouble, they know they can come to me for tea, a shoulder to cry on, advice if they want it and an ear to listen if they don't.

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Questions 7-11 out of 30

7. What is your dream job, and why?
I honestly have no idea. I love working with children and I hope to be a stay at home mom and to homeschool but I don't know if that's my dream job. :/

8. What are 5 passions you have?
A) I'm passionate about my love for children. All I've ever wanted is to be a mother, to be pregnant, to raise a child. I moved halfway around the world to take care of children rather than returning to a crappy summer job in Rochester.
B) I'm growing passionate about my faith. I'm learning to lean on Him in good times and in bad. For some reason, the bad is easier. But I know that I need G-d all the time. I'm learning to spend time with Him daily.
C) I'm passionate about reading. I cannot understand how anyone can not like reading or can not have a favorite book or books. I've been reading for the last 19 years or so
D) I'm passionate about music. My life has a soundtrack. It just happens to run in my head. I've been singing since before I can remember and am told I could match pitch from a very young age. I play music constantly and cannot handle a day without music.
E) I'm passionate about my family. Those who are close enough that I consider them family are my life. I'd do anything I could for my sisters, my parents, my brothers. I cannot imagine my life without my family and the wonderful thing is that my family isn't just those G-d chose to bless me with biologically. :)

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
Mary Beth - My best friend, my college roommate, my future maid of honor and my future children's aunt. She's been such a blessing to me. She's always there for me and has showed me what it means to follow Christ as well as what it means to be a good friend. Despite not agreeing with many of my decisions over the last four years, she's never made me feel bad for them or judged me for them. Years from now, when we're old and grey, we'll be sitting in a coffee shop talking about our grandkids and laughing.
Gramma - My gramma is the one who took me to church when I was a baby. My parents gave me good morals but my gramma gave me faith, or the foundation of it.
Ron - During our relationship, I grew up. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about what I don't want in a relationship and what I do. I learned about what it means to be in a relationship and I learned firsthand why a Christian shouldn't date a non-believer. If I had to point to one specific thing in the last decade that's changed me the most, it would be a tie between my relationship and my experience at Houghton.
Dad - Like I said the other day, I was Daddy's little girl. He's influenced me more than I could possibly explain.
Mom - My mom's been a huge impact on me too. No, she's not always been the best mother. But she's there for me. I can talk to her about anything and though I hope to do some things very differently, I do hope my kids are as comfortable talking to me about sex, relationships, and love as I am talking to her.

Samantha - If not for Samantha, I would have tried to kill myself when I was 12. Trying to be a good example for her has been a big part of my life the last ten years.
Jessie - I don't know how I managed to get so close to Jess so quickly. We went from strangers to such good friends in the span of maybe 6 months. She knows me better than I know myself and I've talked to her about everything.
Julia - My big sister. :) She lived with us for a year when I was 8 and I still have good memories of attending the high school Jazz Caberet night with her. She made me an aunt last week. If she hadn't lived with us, I'd never have studied German and some of the amazing opportunities in my life wouldn't have materialized.
Red - My German "aunt". She lived with my Gramma for a year at the same time Julia lived with us. We've kept in touch more so than with Julia and she's the one who suggested I become an Au Pair, or at least look into it. I was also able to visit her in California last February and to stay with her family when I was in Germany last time. She's planning to show me some of the tricks to using a camera. :)
Yes, that's only 9 but I can't think of a 10th at the moment.


10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
I really try to block these out of my head. I don't like to dwell on them. My guilt complex is bad enough already.

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
People using His name in vain.
When people leave the cupboard open. Especially in the kitchen.
Misusing words like "gay" or "retarded" to mean "stupid"
Leaving dishes in the sink instead of the empty dishwasher.
The complex issues around purity and virginity.

When peanut butter is hidden in a dessert
Sand in my shoes
Snot/vomit/spitup/other bodily fluids on my shoulder from the baby
The internet not working
Talking on the phone

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Hardest Thing You've Done

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
The past year or so of my life has honestly been one of the hardest things I've gone through. From November 2010 through November 2011, I lost every single plan I had. I'd been planning to be a teacher and to marry Ron after graduation. Then I had some problems with my classroom teacher as well as my college mentor. I was also struggling with lesson plans and trying to manage to reach all my students at one time. With the different levels even among "normal" students, I was having a hard time tailoring my lessons. The final straw was when I walked out of a Veteran's Day performance because I was having a hard time coping with the implications from my personal life. In retrospect, it was most definitely not the right choice. I should have wiped the tears away, shut my eyes for a moment, and watched my kids in their performance. Instead, it was the last straw. Two weeks later, I changed my major to English because I realized I would not survive the student teaching. The idea of making it through another week was too much, let alone another year. With that change in major, I lost my motivation towards school. I ended up having one of the worst semesters of my entire life. I passed my courses but barely. I didn't do most of my homework, honestly. I was depressed, I was also not on the best terms with Ron.
After the summer, where Ron and I fought a lot and I failed my driver's license test, as well as fighting with my parental units over their alcohol use, I went back to school. Ron and I decided before I went back that we wouldn't decide about our relationship until I came back from the semester at Christmas. Well, that didn't work so well. We still fought, we still were growing apart. I was living with six of the most amazing girls including my best friend. If not for those girls and the example they set for me in Christ, I don't know how that year would have gone. Somehow, Ron and I disintegrated. When I came home for October break, I got my wisdom teeth out and was incredibly drugged up. Between the penicillin, the vicodin, and the remnants of the anesthesia, I don't remember too much of that weekend. I remember being very tired and I remember not knowing if I'd spoken or if I'd just thought about it. A lot of my memories of that weekend come from the text messages I'd written and then read after the anesthesia wore off. Apparently, at some point in this time frame, I said something horrible to Ron for which he never forgave me. Until this point, I was basically desperate to fix what I viewed as a marriage. Shortly after I returned to school and recovered from my wisdom teeth removal, I started praying about G-d's will for our relationship. I went from telling G-d that my relationship was a marriage and therefore, He couldn't possibly want it to end, to asking G-d what He wanted from me in regards to this. One night at Koin, I opened up my hands, physically, and I prayed that if He was to take this relationship from me, that He would support me and give me the strength to overcome the heartbreak. It became incredibly clear that G-d was telling me to end it. I took my ring off and I asked Ron for one last kiss. We ended our relationship in the same Starbucks we started it. That weekend, I pierced my ear on a whim, I worked out like mad trying to get to the point that when he saw me again, he'd wish he never let me go. Yes, that's childish. I went back to school. I ate cookie dough almost every day for a week. I cried. But you know what? I had the strength of G-d. I cannot tell you how many times people told me "Wow. You just broke up with your fiance of three years!? I don't know how you're handling this so well." And honestly, the ONLY way that I was handling it was through the Grace of G-d. But at the same time, everything in my life was falling apart. All of my plans were gone. I had no idea what my life was going to look like in a year. I had no clue what my love life was going to look like. And I thought that I was ready to move on, to start dating. I was so wrong that it's not even funny. This year of my life, from changing my major to changing my relational status, is the hardest time I've gone through. And I learned to lean on G-d. Without His strength, I would have been crushed. Instead, I found friends to help me. No, I didn't handle it perfectly. I made some mistakes. I hurt some friendships and I leaned on some people in the wrong way. But I got through it with HIM. This was the hardest thing I've gone through and even now I'm learning the lessons He has for me. I don't know what comes next but I'm learning to see the next step on the path and to rely on Him. This is bound to be a lifelong lesson, I'm sure.

(P.S. My idea about five per post? Well this is so long and rather intense that I think it deserved it's own. So number of questions per post will vary. My blog, my rules. :P)

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5/30 things

The madwoman has decided that tonight (since it's only 9:30 and freaking dark out already :glare:), she's going to journal a bunch. Including answering (okay probably mainly JUST answering) these 30 things. And watching Netflix. And researching Messianic Judaism. Again. (I'm drawn back to it every couple of months. I think that may be telling me something...)



1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
If you ask me, I'll tell you I don't like peanut butter or mustard. But I use both.
Of the five love languages, mine is touch.
If I could have one thing from my past back, it would be my cat: Smokey.
At this moment, I cannot definitively tell you where my home is.
Though I am a Christian, I have never read my Bible on a daily basis outside of camp.

I became an aunt on 9/1/12 at 5:39am to an absolutely beautiful little girl named Emilia Evelyn.
Though college was what I needed socially and emotionally, I sometimes feel it was a waste of money.
I wish sometimes that I had ended my relationship with Ron much earlier.
Autumn is my favorite season.
I'd rather cuddle than have sex.

My hair is currently red with black tips.
I don't enjoy wearing gold/diamonds because I'm afraid of losing/damaging it.
The only jewelry I wear on a daily basis are one ring per hand, a nose stud, and a barbell in my helix.
Some of the movies I consider my absolute favorites, I don't own.
I have very little self-control in some areas. Like waking up early.

My first job was as the "phone girl" for a local pizza joint.
After I return to the US, I'm hoping to find a job as either a waitress or a nanny.
I cried when I saw pictures of my niece.
Today's emotion for most of it has been apathy.
Lastly, my first celebrity crush was Brandon Quinn from "Big Wolf on Campus".

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
A) I'm afraid of the dead. It just happened. I was at my great-grandmother's wake, getting things ready with my mother, and she couldn't handle putting the pictures in the coffin. I took the pictures, told her I'd do it and when I tried, I was frozen. I couldn't move. The illogical part of my brain thought that she's sit up and demand her rings (which I was wearing) back.
B) I'm afraid of helicopters. Just the sound used to send me into a panic attack. It's gotten better but if one lands, I still freak out. When I was around 7, one landed in our backyard basically in order to med-evac someone who was in an auto accident to the hospital. It scared me so badly that I don't even remember this event. In high school, one landed about 100 yards away from me as part of a drunk driving demonstration. I had a panic attack on the bleachers and started crying.
C) I'm afraid of doing something wrong. I have a terrible guilt complex.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
My dad and I are way too much alike. We fight when we're around each other too much. But I'm realizing now that I'm taking care of the girls so much that he influenced me a LOT growing up. The way I take care of the girls, the things I say, the way I play with them sometimes (throwing them on the bed, holding them upside down). Even the style of discipline I aspire to: setting boundaries, outlining consequences, sticking to them. It comes from him. I was Daddy's little girl and now I'm realizing just what that means in terms of his impact on my life. That's also why it bothers me so much when he drinks and smokes.
My mom is now a good friend but didn't really fulfill the mother role when I was a teenager and needed it. She was dealing with the divorce and then with her marriage and Samantha. And at the moment we just got into another disagreement about religion so I don't have too much to say.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
Your sex drive will kick in eventually. Don't judge your friends because theirs kicked in sooner.
When you dye your hair black, just realize how long it's going to take to get it back.
Learn the articles to the German words. It will be important one day.
You are not manic depressive. You have depression and anxiety. Learn coping mechanisms now rather than later. They will be important. Tea can only do so much.
College will be a time of great learning for you. You will change so much that you wouldn't recognize yourself if you saw the girl woman writing this. Your plans will change but you are always in the hands of the King.

Speaking of college and of the King, GO TO KOIN! It's one of the most unique experiences you'll have in your life and you will miss it when you leave.
Get your license dammit! Seriously!
Convince Dad to take you to see Gramma Blair more. Record her stories. Otherwise when she's gone, you'll be left not knowing her. Ditto Poppy (though Gott sei Dank he's still with us).
Pet Smokey. Don't ignore her because you're afraid of losing her. (My cat was incredibly skinny and sick when she passed away.)
"The Bible is bread for every day living not cake for special occassions." Seek G-d every day.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
The smile on Nuria's face when she tottles over to me.
Conversations with my closest friends from back home.
Emilia Evelyn, my newborn niece.
Coffee. Yes, seriously.
The glimpses I have of the woman I know He wants me to be.


I've decided I'll be posting these in segments of five, no matter how long that takes me to finish. So here's the first five. Next five to come later (tonight, tomorrow, no clue when).

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