Show me the money!!

I've spent all my life being able to describe myself as a "broke [noun]". First it was a broke high school student. I only work 8 hours a week if I'm lucky (and then I added a second job for another six hours a week. Thank you Tracy). I have no idea what I managed to spend my money on back then but I managed to spend it. Then I was a broke college student. I made enough for snacks and Java. And that's basically what I spent it on. Along with trying to see my fiance as much as possible and thus paying for his gas at times. And now? I'm an au pair. We don't make terribly much. I have enough to do what I need and am blessed with the chance to be exploring Europe for a year. Considering that what I earn is "pocket money" (I get my room and board as well), I don't need much more. But I stink at money. I think it's a family trait. (Just try to argue with me Mom, Gramma, or Dad.)

Last month my goal was to save 100 Euros towards my camera/trip to London. That's a good chunk of what I earn per month but I need to save if I'm going to do the things I want to plus to get home! Do you know how much I saved? Let's just say it wasn't 100 Euros.

(My own photo from Jan 2009)

Knowing that I'm trying to save, that I'm trying to throw a party for the girls, that I have a million excuses, why should I tithe? What is my 26 Euros a month really going to do? And besides the church I'm currently attending is online. How do I give to an online church? I don't have a bank account here and I'm not about to mail them money. Not to mention that I'd have to convert the currency and they'd take a fee if I wired it. I'm not going to use my credit card to tithe. If I do wire it, does the fee count toward the tithe or is that from the other 90% of my money? I thought all of that sounded like a logical explanation for why not to tithe right now.

WRONG.

I may not be giving hundreds per month. I may not be the greatest contributor ever but do you know what? I am stepping out in faith. It was not the Pharisees who gave mountains of gold that Christ praised. It was the widow who gave two coins. It was what she had. I'm not saying I'm on par with that widow. She gave all she had. I'm giving a part. The moment I got paid this month, I took out my tithe and put it in a separate section of my purse. And it comes with me when I go out just like my other money but it doesn't get spent on a bottle of water for Nuria or a strawberry filled croissant for me.

What I'm about to say, I want to be clear about. I'm not sharing this to gain praise before men. I've kept this part of my finances private for a reason. It's not between me and my family or my friends or anyone but me and G-d. Some people will argue that I'm "not doing it right" and though I completely understand that, please bear with me and please understand this is how He has led me at this time in my life. This is me trying to be transparent and not to brag or to make you feel bad. And if there is any part of me that is sharing this to brag that I'm not aware of, I pray that G-d would forgive my ulterior motives and would use this post despite that.

Since my first trip to London, I hate walking past the homeless without giving them something. But I cannot in good conscious give them money. There are too many stories of people getting rich from panhandling or of addicts and drunks who just use the money to buy booze or their next high. I will not help my brothers and sisters to fall further down the rabbit hole. But if you are sitting on a sheet of cardboard, huddled under a blanket, in the middle of a rainy day on a street, I'm willing to bet that you're hungry (and not reading this). So the money I have set aside, the first 10% of what I earn each month, goes to buy the men and women I pass by something to eat. Sometimes it's croissants from the bakery or a sandwich or a hot sausage and fries.

(source)

The online church I'm attending is four weeks into a five week series right now on money called Strapped and I've been talking about the theme of this in a facebook group called "Single Ladies Talk It Over On Facebook". I was finally convinced through the sermons that I needed to give a tenth of my money back to G-d but was unsure if it had to be through the church. Leslie, one of the other ladies, pointed out to me Deuteronomy 14:24-25. In the NLT, it reads like this:

24 “Now when the Lord your God blesses you with a good harvest, the place of worship he chooses for his name to be honored might be too far for you to bring the tithe. 25 If so, you may sell the tithe portion of your crops and herds, put the money in a pouch, and go to the place the Lord your God has chosen. 

Bring your tithe to the "place of worship He chooses". Doesn't that sound like the church (building) to you? This is what it took to tell me that G-d does want me to give my money to the church I call home. Unfortunately though, all of those justifications that I was using to not tithe at all? The currency conversion, the lack of bank account, etc? Those still exist. So at this point in my life, G-d and I have talked. I am honoring Him with the firstfruits of my earnings. But right now, G-d understands my limitations. And He will still use this tithe to bless. Assuming at the end of this year that I go back to Rochester, I don't exactly see many homeless people in my suburb. So at that point, my tithes will change. They will go to the church, whichever church I call home at that point, and if/when I run into someone that looks like they could use a meal, that will be from the other 90%.

But what does this have to do with promises? This is an obligation right? Well yes, it's a commandment that we still ought to do ("What sorrow awaits you Pharisees! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore justice and the love of God. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things." Luke 11:42) but...

"[T]he L[-]rd your G[-]d will bless you in all your work." Deut. 14:29b

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the L[-]rd Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." Malachi 3:10

If we are faithful, G-d will bless us. He promised. And ya know what? The very morning I set aside my 26 Euros, I went to a bakery to buy breakfast since I'd met Kathrin and Nuria at the playground. I found a 5 Euro bill on the ground. No I don't expect it to happen but how cool is it that it did?

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Believing G-d's Promises: Love and Romance

G-d's promises and my love life...

When I left America four months ago, I was technically just as single as I am today. The reality however is different. I left with my heart confused. I left with the idea that though Eric and I were not official and we had no definite plans to become official at any point, that it was almost inevitable that we would try when I got back. And then I traveled 4000 miles away and talked to him every day until I went to Paris. In Paris our internet wasn't so great and didn't extend to my house so I didn't have that option. Cutting our contact dramatically sucked but it helped me to go from a place where I looked at our trying a relationship as inevitable to a place where I realized I had been looking at it like that and I admitted that we might not ever try.

And that was okay.

G-d has given me certain reassurances regarding my future, reassurances I needed. Uterine cancer runs in my family. Every woman for the last three generations has had a hysterectomy at an increasingly younger age. If that trend continues, my reproductive years will be cut very short. But all I've ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. Any job comes second in desire to that. When I was with Ron, I let the fear of cancer overtake my plans. We wanted to have a baby right away basically. If I were still with him, I'd either be pregnant or trying right now. Or at least not trying not to. And as much as I want a baby, that plan wasn't trusting G-d. I finally trusted Him when I let Ron go and relied on His strength to get me through. I crawled into His arms and trusted my L-rd to get me through. I had faith that situation was for the best and that He would help me overcome. And He did. He promised. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

(source)

But my current love life. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a fiance. I don't have a husband. The only pregnancy I had ended in miscarriage without me hardly knowing I was pregnant. The children I adore and take care of are not my own. Honestly, I'm wavering between two extremes. 

On the one side, I long to text my boyfriend. To cuddle with him on the couch. Even more than that? I want to be a wife. I want to be done with the searching, the dating game, the uncertainty. I don't want to have to look for that spark. I just want to have to keep it alive. I want to the fantasy that I've spent at least the last 8 years dreaming of. I have no misconceptions that marriage will be easy or that marriage will mean I won't fight with my husband, I won't get upset, I won't struggle with a million things like I do now. I know that marriage is no more of a magic wand than 16 was. But I cannot wait to find my husband. To have romance. To feel arms around me instead of having to content myself with the knowledge that I am forever welcome in the arms of my L-rd. In an e-mail from this summer, Jess said to me, "I also understand not wanting to date. I've been going through a similar thing, in my own way. You don't want to "boy shop," you just want to find the right man, and get on with living."

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But on the other hand, I am living. I'm content to be growing in my knowledge of who I am, to be finding my place in the arms of my Father. He's not done with me yet. I told G-d the other day that I trust Him in this case. That I'm putting my life back in His hands, trusting Him for my future, for my husband. I've been given a few brief glimpses into my future by my merciful G-d. My Father knew that I needed some personal reassurance. Apparently for me, a 2000 year old love letter isn't enough. I need personal attention. And He, in His infinite mercy, has chosen to give me what I needed. I don't even remember when it was now but I very clearly remember seeing a snapshot in my head of my husband and me, standing in church, worshipping, with our daughter. And I believe I was also pregnant. This glimpse, this brief moment, was what I needed to reassure me that I will get married and I will have a family. I cannot be 100% certain that I will ever be pregnant, that I will give birth. But I trust my Father. He gave me this moment in order to give my soul rest. When I start doubting, I can take comfort in this one small vision He gave me.

But do you know what? I don't doubt that I'll find a husband. I don't doubt I'll have a daughter. I don't doubt that I will get to be a mother. G-d has calmed my fears about that. It's this moment now. I almost hate to admit this next thing... But in the interest of transparency and trying to preserve my record for posterity (okay more likely for me to look back on ten years from now...) here goes.

I've spent weeks walking down the street and admiring the cute men I see. If someone catches my eye, it seems like one of the next three thoughts in my head is, "I wonder if he thinks this baby is mine." Because of course if they think the baby is mine, I must not be available and they won't express their interest. After all, if I find them cute, they have to think I'm cute. Despite the frazzled look on my face, the unwashed hair, and the blemishes that seem to want to crop up on my face lately. And I don't know how often I've had the thought of somehow actually making a move. Not that I ever do. I always manage to feel badly about not making that move. I feel like I should do something other than that awkward "look away I'm American and eye contact is awkward wait I think he's cute why am I looking away why don't I smile" thing that I do. Because of course that's not going to get anybody to give me their number. (Speaking of which, 4 days in Rome and I leave with two guys contact info and countless people having hit on me. 4 months in Germany and so far nobody's done more than smile. And I had a freaking fiance in Rome!)

I'm done with that. I may be old fashioned but I believe that a woman is meant to follow her husband. Why should this start any different? If I believe that my husband should "Lead me with strong hands/Stand up when I can't/Don't leave me hungry for love [...]/Show me [he's] willing to fight/That I'm still the love of [his] life", why am I trying to find him now? Why am I pursuing? I had this revelation last week (or maybe it was early this week. I don't know. My life just runs together...). 

I want my husband to be my leader. He is supposed to be the head of the household so why am I trying to worry about making the first move? This may not be what everyone thinks but I personally will smile if I think someone is cute and I will flirt if the spirit leads (probably not the best turn of phrase there...) but I will not worry about making the first move. In one of my moments of prayer (which I define as conversation with G-d), I mentioned this and asked Him to please be faithful and to have my husband, the one that's meant for me, my Rory Williams, the man willing to wait 2000 years to protect me, who is willing to die rather than face a life without me, who to save me would do anything. 

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To have my husband make the first move. Now I don't know if my husband is here in Germany. I don't know if he's in New York. I have no idea where my husband is. But I do know that when I meet him, when we're ready to take that step and to date, to court, whatever you want to call it, I do know that my dearest husband will be the one to ask me to "go steady". I won't hide my feelings and any man that G-d has set aside for me will be able to read me like a book. Asking me out won't be a complete risk. But it will be his move.

This is how I am trusting G-d. My love life is in His hands. I might get anxious sometimes. I might want to pull it back. That's the problem with a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). It can crawl off the altar. But I pray, I seriously earnestly pray, that G-d would give me the strength and the faith to leave it in His hands.


EDITED TO ADD: I'm trying to get through a couple of the MOUNTAIN of blogs I want to read and came across an entry on The Better Mom that relates directly to this. That can only be a G-d thing. :)

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Do I have faith?

"Faith is believing G-d. [...] Can you imagine what life would be like if we just believed God?  What if we read His Word as absolute truth and lived as though God meant every single word in that book?" --Tricia from The Domestic Fringe

I read this just now as I was trying to get through the mountain of blogs that I've subscribed to before I tried to write about my own journey with Christ, my cup of tea. I would say that I have faith. I believe in G-d. There is a G-d. That is not a question for me. But do I believe Him? Do I trust Him? Do I put my life in His hands and believe the promises He made? That He has plans for me? To prosper me, to give me hope, to give me a future? A future better than that I can even dream of? Do I believe He has the best for me?

Yes and no. I do believe it in my heart. But what do my actions say? I know that if I would come running to His arms, bury my face into Him, and just rest, He would care for me. He would give me peace and comfort and He will illuminate my path. I know that though it may be scary to follow Him no matter what He wants, it's exactly what I need to do. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 15. I was baptized a little more than a year later. I was talking to Mary on my play phone at two years old and the answer "He's in heaven now with Mary and Jesus" was enough for me at a year and a half old when my great-grandfather died. I may not have gone to church every Sunday and I may not read my Bible every day or pray with the passion of others. I am still figuring this out. But I am, in a way, that proverbial lifelong Christian. If I grew up knowing about Christ, how much should my life change after I accepted Him?

The truth is that my church is geared for the septuagenarians. Those who have been in the church since before there was really a choice to NOT go. We sing hymns. We take communion every first Sunday of the month. There are people who are probably older than parts of the building. Because of this, they don't preach about how to get saved. I grew up with a Christianity that didn't really impact my daily life. Yes, I believed Jesus died on the cross for me. Yes, I thought reading the Bible was a good thing to do and so was praying. In fact, I should pray every night. And it would be nice if I said grace before meals. But that was it. I was no different than anyone else I knew. Circle C changed that a bit but still I was a teenager. I clearly remember telling G-d one time that I would give my life wholly to Him... Later. For right now, I said, I only have one life and you have so many. Right now, I can't. Not yet. When I'm grown up I will.

THAT is not believing G-d. That is not trusting His promises. But now that I know my life should be different, should be set apart, do I have faith? Do I believe G-d?

Later: How I believe G-d's promises regarding my money, my love life, my mental illness, my future.

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A Weekend of Plans!

Even though it is the 31 Day challenge, that doesn't mean that my normal updates are going to be put on complete hold. (And as far as my cups of tea with Jesus goes, they also won't always be exactly like they were this morning. In fact, they won't be like that again. I'll address AN issue instead of wanting to write on um a million points at once starting tomorrow. So forgive the massive block of text earlier.)

Saturday I got together with Christine, someone new I met off couchsurfing. We went to PollyEsther's, a cafe by the theater. There are seats outside, inside, and in the entrance "hallway". We sat in the "hall". It's protected from wind and rain so it's not as cold. We had a great conversation, in English. For some reason when I write to people on CouchSurfing I get more responses when I write in English to start with. Mind you, then I switch to German with most of the people when we actually meet. (Carlotta and Marvin both wrote in English at first then after we meet we've been speaking German.) So we chatted for about two hours. It could have easily been longer but I had to work at 4. She's a little younger than I am (she's 20) but we got along wonderfully and I hope that we get to hang out again soon. :) It's always nice to meet those people you can just talk with and immediately hit it off. I haven't had that kind of a connection in a while. The other people I've meet have been wonderful but it seems like at some point there's an awkward silence and I get uncomfortable. There was only silence for a few minutes total with Christine. :) (Actually that problem seems to be more pronounced when I meet with guys... Or in German... We may have just found the reason why.)

Sunday, after I slept in, I went to dinner with Anna (another au pair, this one from China) and Renate (aka Frau Bobach aka one of my (retired) neighbors). We went to a pub/restaurant around the corner where they brew their own beer. And yes, I had a beer. In fact...

That is my beer. With a head on top. It tasted... very pure. It was very earthy, very yeasty almost. I'm not a fan of beer. I prefer white beer to light beer though I learned. Since it was a buffet, I loaded up my plate. There were a few dishes I couldn't eat (one was pork chops, one had boar in it (yes seriously) and one I wasn't sure).

That plate has chicken (which was so tender it fell right apart and melted in my mouth), salad (which had a very sweet sweet dressing on it), vegetable lasagna, and (hidden under the salad) butter spaetzle. It was delicious. :) After a few hours and most of that beer, I was sleepy so Renate took pity on my yawns and we parted ways. Not before her telling me I had a very strong American accent and that whenever I speak German people automatically know I'm an American (not that I'm a foreigner but that I'm AMERICAN). Though I knew that already, I had kind of hoped it wasn't THAT obvious. I have this big complex about wanting to seem European. And I think fashion-wise I don't stick out too much. (Please don't tell me if I'm wrong about this. One of my most successful days here was when in Paris someone asked me for directions. In French. Not that I could help them but I looked like I knew what I was doing and I looked like I belonged here. Don't shatter that dream please!) Obviously, Renate wasn't trying to upset me. I'll survive.

I stayed up far far too late yesterday night (it was almost 3am before I got to sleep). The entire reason? I slept too late Sunday. Now it's Monday evening and I need to go to bed so that I can start my slightly early day tomorrow. I have to stay in most of the morning because the new beds for the girls are being delivered and of course the time frame? Something like 8-2. Why can't companies ever be more specific? Thank you IKEA.

Tune in tomorrow when I write about my love life. And any other insights that G-d chooses to have leap out at me when I read farther into Romans tomorrow.

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Romans 1 and 2

Well I just went through the first 500 links or so and started following a TON more blogs because I liked their idea for 31 days. I think I may have to dedicate one day to reading... We'll see how I manage this. There's a way though.

Today for my first cup of tea with Jesus, I'm turning to Romans. I wasn't able to get up to meet Him before work since I was up until nearly 3am, unable to sleep. (Which also led to me having Starbucks and a chocolate croissant for breakfast. Note to self: latte and sugar not a good combination first thing in the morning.)

"I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith." Romans 1:11-12

This verse to me shows why we need to have people around us who are also believers. This is what Mary Beth, among others, gives me. My faith is not lived out in a vacuum. It's lived out in community, strengthened when I take time to be with those who encourage my faith and share theirs with me or weakened when I neglect those relationships. That's not to say that those friends I have who are good people but not Christian aren't good friends. I do still need time with other people my own age and at the moment most of that is coming from people who are non-Christians. They still nourish me and they can still help me to grow but if I only spend time with those friends, my faith won't be challenged or encouraged in a way that will help me grow. That's why after a conversation with Mary Beth I feel much more refreshed and fulfilled than after a conversation with the girls I've meet here. Or I suppose I'm fulfilled in a different way. (Now if I could get together with Mary Beth for coffee or shopping then I'd be perfect.)

"[S]ince what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse." Romans 1:19-20

General revelation as written in the Bible. This is why when I look out the window I see my Father. I cannot learn everything about Him from the world around me but I can see His power, I can see that He is good. I can see the plan He has for the world in the way He cares for the animals and the flowers. After all, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?" (Matthew 6:25-30)


"They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. (Romans 1:29-31)

This is what happens when you don't have G-d. Envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, hate, insolence, arrogance, boastfulness, disobedience, lack of fidelity, of love, of mercy fill your life. What logical person wants this list to describe them? I'm pretty sure I want the exact OPPOSITE of each characteristic listed here used the describe me at the end of my days.

"All who sin apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who sin under the law will be judged by the law." Romans 2:12


I just wrote about my opinion on the Law yesterday on Christian Forums. I'll post that here:

I am by no means a scholar. The only Greek word I know is probably agape. I cannot tell you clearly that because this word means this instead of it's usual translation as that we are supposed to do XYZ. 
I can tell you that we cannot simply disregard the OT without considering it. Sacrifices cannot be done today because we have no temple and no priests of Aaron. We don't need sin sacrifices because Jesus died for us on the cross and wiped away all of our sins with the one perfect sacrifice. Rules regarding killing people for breaking OT laws cannot be carried out because they violate our government and we are called to obey our government (Romans 13). 
I personally eat biblically kosher. I don't see any compelling evidence that those animals which were once unclean-were not made for food-have been changed and made clean. This is something I prayed about and have eaten this way since I was 17.
Many of the rules that G-d instated in the OT were designed to separate the Hebrews from those around them. Some of those rules today seem ridiculous to us now. We are still called to be different from this world (Romans 12:1-2). For us today, maybe that looks different than it did in the OT but I encourage everyone to pray about the rules that are still possible, research the possible reasons behind G-d creating those rules, and ask G-d if He still finds them to be applicable in YOUR life. Eating kosher has given me many outlets to bring up my faith in many situations. (When I'm not sure if something has pork in it, I ask. Those who I'm eating with then ask me why I want to know and I get a chance to share about the amazing Father I serve.)
Also, I just want to be clear that I do NOT believe that following any law, any rule, OT or not, will help gain ANYONE entrance to heaven. For me, if I eat bacon, it's a sin because G-d told me not to. It's like when G-d told Jonah to go to Nineveh. For him, not going was a sin. For the others, it wasn't sin not to go because G-d never told them to. So if I violate this, it's sin and I must repent and get right with G-d just as if I had committed any other sin. But eating kosher doesn't get me any closer to heaven. It's simply a sign of my obedience to G-d.

I think that's enough for today's cup of tea (which is frankly getting cold). Thank you for joining me. :)

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