A Glimpse into my Heart

Written August 5, 2012

Father, tonight I sit here and my heart is heavy. I don’t know half the reasons why but G-d I know that you can hear my heart. You know the reasons behind every tear I am shedding, every moment of sorrow. G-d I made a made a mistake the other night. We both know what it is and I know that it’s something you’re going to continue teaching me about. Father, my boundaries have been in flux the last few years and I discovered aspects of myself that were previously hidden. G-d, I’m not a little girl anymore and frankly I haven’t been in a long time. I’ve struggled almost half of my life with depression that’s sometimes overwhelmed me. I’ve had moments when there was very little keeping me from ending it all. But G-d you are helping me through this. And tonight, as I lay here and I cry over this weight in my heart, I know that part of the reason I cry is because I’m seeing in part how you see me. How every sin I commit hurts you. How much you love me. How hard it must be for you to watch me repeat my mistakes over and over again. I can just picture you watching me, Father. Sitting on the edge of your seat as I approach a choice. You see me weighing my options. You see me start to say no, to think about how it’s not a good idea and for all the reasons why I need to resist temptation. And then, you see that moment of weakness. That instant when my guard falls and I think, “Oh what’s the harm? It’s not that bad. And I’ll have fun.” But my thoughts don’t go to the aftermath of my choice. I don’t think of the consequences. And as my guard falls, when I give in, I see you sit back, like a sports fan seeing the stupid mistake of his team exclaiming exasperatedly and throwing his hands up in the air. “How could you do that?! Seriously!?” And G-d I know you have more patience with me than my brother does with the Eagles but I don’t know how you can watch me over and over again and not jump in to stear me away. It’s like me baking with the girls. I want to jump in and make everything perfect. But then they don’t learn. It’s so difficult for me to hold back and to keep from correcting. But they need to make messes sometimes so they’ll see the results. And G-d you let me make my own messes… You have patience with me, Father. And I am both so thankful that you don’t give up on me, that you still love me and care for me. That nothing I do can ever make you love me less. But I am also frustrated sometimes, Father. If you would step in and prevent the mess, you could save me from hurt, and pain, and bad moods, and hurting my relationships with those around me. Because my sins don’t just affect me, G-d. My sins hurt my girls when I’m in a bad mood and spend my afternoons hiding in the kitchen watching Grey’s Anatomy and surfing Pinterest instead of goofing off with them. My sins hurt my family when I don’t talk to them. They hurt those I make the mistakes with because it then impacts their loved ones too. But G-d my sins hurt you too. Every time I make this mistake I sin against you. I reject your plan for my life and I reject your guidelines, your rules for how I ought to live. I tell you that my ideas are better. My plans are greater. I know better. And G-d I don’t! I’ve tried my way and you know what I got? I got pregnancy scares and bad grades. I got a broken heart and regrets. I got suicidal thoughts and darkness in my heart. I got crappy relationships with everyone around me and I got hurt. Father, I don’t want that anymore. The next time I think I might be pregnant, I want it to be with my husband. And I want that baby to be the source of immense joy and not angst. I don’t want to let my heart run away again. Not every man deserves me. Not every man is right for me. And flirting is not innocent fun. It’s not just a way of talking. It’s just stupid. The men of this world are my brothers in Christ, or they could be at least. And I need to respect them. I need to treat them as I would treat any family member. I need to love them and help them grow. Flirting doesn’t point anyone towards Christ. G-d, give me your eyes. For one day. Let me see this world as you see it. Let me see my behavior through your eyes so that I will realize all of my sins and ask for your help against the sins I don’t realize I’m committing. Let me see how you see me. Let me see your love and your patience. Let me see the person YOU want me to be, that I can be with YOUR strength. Father, make me the woman You want me to be. Make me want to be that woman and make me want it for the right reasons. Heavenly Father, be with me… Don’t let me walk through this world without you. Please G-d… Be with me.