Bittersweet Uncertainty

On the one hand, I’m excited to go back home. I’m just so tired. I love my girls and Kathrin is amazing. I could not ask for a better host mom. (Daniel’s been gone a lot this month and he works a looooot so though I don’t have a problem with him, I don’t know him half as well as I know Kathrin or the girls.) And even though I am off at the end of my day and Kathrin’s good about making sure the girls know that I’m not responsible for them and giving me a way out if I’m trying to write or knit or chat with people, there’s still a part of me that I feel like I can’t turn off. I feel guilty if I don’t help out and clean up or if I don’t play with Ellie or calm the crying baby.

It’s just part of being family I think. When Sami was little, I felt similarly. Except that really was home. (I hate that sentence. Because this is home. I'm happy here and I feel welcome and loved and I'm never going to have another family like this one. But the sentiment behind that statement, I hope you understand. That this home is one I've made whereas the one with my little sister and my mom is one that was naturally created in my life without any effort on my part.) If I was sitting around reading and my mom wanted my help, she’d yell for me. Kathrin’s too polite/generous/something for that. She’s almost apologetic when she tells me some mornings, “Vickey, I didn’t get to the dishwasher yet. Can you do that this morning please? It doesn’t have to be right now. Finish your coffee first.” Yes, the woman lets me drink my coffee before I start doing any real work. That’s not to say that she never asks for my help when I’m “off duty”. Occasionally something happens and she asks me to help with this or just make sure that kid doesn't climb out of the high chair for a minute. But even so, it’s asking not, “Victoria get your butt in here and help me with the dishes.” There’s just somehow a difference. I think knowing that Kathrin won’t ask makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it. Because if I don’t do it, she’ll do it all herself. And she never complains about it. Seriously, this woman deserves a medal. (And Kathrin, if you’re reading this, I mean every word of this. You are fantastic.)

So because there’s a piece of me that’s on most of the time, it’s hard to kind of recover. And you would think when I go out that then I’d recharge. But I’m such an introvert that going out takes a different kind of energy. Yes my social meter gets filled up but something else gets drained. There is a very fine balance within me to keep all of my meters reading “OK”. I need to be with friends a certain amount, I need to be alone, I need to be with the family, I need to be outside, I need time with G-d, I need time to be creative. I need so much to be optimal. And I don’t even know what the amounts of those things are. I just know when they’re out of whack and I typically know how to fix them. After about ten months of trying to fine tune all of those different things, you can imagine I’d be worn out.

The thought of having to start over again in just two months is almost more than I can handle some days. Which leads me to “on the other hand”. Yes, I’m excited to go home, but I don’t want to leave. I’m going to miss the ability to walk to everything I need. I’m going to miss having little girls throw themselves on my back for piggy back rides. I’m going to miss “What are you watching?”. I’m going to miss “Oh you’re coloring your Bible again? Wow that’s a lot of ‘G-d’ there.” (Noemi knows anytime I mark my Bible in purple it’s a name of G-d.) I’m going to miss Beck’s Green Lemon and Mezzo Mix and I swear to you the Nutella is better over here. I’m going to miss my little room and chatting with Kathrin after the girls go to bed. I’m going to miss “Vickey will you draw me a wizard?” There is a lot that I’m going to miss.

(Artwork: Noemi)

And there’s a lot I’m unsure of in my future. I don’t know how I’m going to fit back into the family structure. I don’t know how I’m going to fit back into American life. I don’t know what I’m going to do for a job. I don’t know how to be in America and not be in school come September. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. I don’t know when my love life will change or when my living situation will. I don’t know when I’ll find my purpose in life, the job I’m meant to have, the ministry I should be involved in. I don’t know how long I’ll be in Rochester. I don’t know a lot of things.

As someone in one of my Facebook groups said this week, “I know He's got it under control, but the planning part of my brain is going crazy right now”. And that’s exactly how I feel. I know He’s got plans for me. I know He’s got big plans, plans I could never dream of. But I don’t know where to start! I don’t know what the next step is. G-d’s word is a lamplight unto my feet… A lamplight. Not a floodlight. (Thank you to one of my wonderful Londonerd TA’s for that.) 

(source)

If His word shows me the next step, what do I know? What am I certain of? I’m certain I need to go home. For a bit at least. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I need to get my license and then a car. I’d be good at event planning I think. And I’d like to pursue that a bit more. Aaaaand that’s all I got. I also know I need to find a church to get involved in. Both somewhere where I’m getting fed and where I’m feeding. That feels like so little to go on. I really feel lost some days.

If you’ve stuck with me that long, congratulations. Seriously I feel like you deserve a cookie. I tried to divide this up into a couple different posts (because I’m nearing two thousand words right now) but I think a lot of it’s too interrelated. It makes sense how I went from one thing to another and ultimately this is my space to write. If there comes a day when I write solely for the readers, this blog will have become soulless and I will give it up.

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Gallifrey and Germany

Hello everybody! Long time no see. I've been knitting a lot lately which is not conducive to writing. And I honestly just haven't felt like it. If it's online and it requires brain power, I probably haven't done it in at least a month. Which includes blogging, checking my e-mails, reading blogs, etc. I haven't been on pinterest either-that giant timesuck-so it's not all bad. I did start using my tumblr (serendipity427.tumblr.com if you're interested). That's also bound to be a big timesuck when I start following more people. Right now my biggest tumblr suck is Gallifrey Burning. It's a Doctor Who (and other geekiness) tumblr (are these things called blogs or what?). She writes some amazing fan-fiction which I've also then been reading. And yes, that is just about the extent of my reading these days. If I'm taking a break from my niece's blanket to read, it has to be something so good I can't put down. Which Gallifrey Burning includes.

Speaking of Gallifrey... For those who don't know Gallifrey is the home planet of the time lords. What's a time lord? The Doctor is. Two hearts. Ability to regenerate into a new body when the old one is damaged. But only 13 times. And we're currently on the Doctor's eleventh regeneration. Which means either 1 or 2 more. Unless they change the rules. And it's Moffat so it's not unlikely. (No, I'm not explaining Moffat. Just glare and shake your fist muttering "Damn you Moffat" with me. Ready... Damn you, Moffat. Thank you.)

So speaking of Gallifrey (a planet with two suns, a bright orange sky, and silver leafed trees), with the money my parental units gave me for Christmas, I (paid my credit card and) bought a I <3 <3 Gallifrey shirt! I absolutely love it. It's so comfortable and so cute. It's long enough to not ride up when I raise my arms and the sleeves are longer than normal girl's T-shirt sleeves are. Which of course makes my tattoo only like half covered but that's fine. (I prefer either all covered or all exposed. With this tattoo it's normally the top rose is covered, the rest exposed because of short sleeves. Or all covered/all exposed. This shirt? Half the words are covered too.)

After we spent our time in Paris, we spent a few days in Prenzlau and then Schwedt. (While there I watched all 8 or 9 movies in the Love Comes Softly series. Yes, they are cheesy. But now I've seen them. Thank you Hallmark for cheese.) After a few crazy days there with nothing to do, three little girls to keep occupied, and not a freaking playground in sight, we were in Schwedt for one night so Daniel could conduct a concert. During the concert, Noemi and Kathrin watched and I stayed in Daniel's dressing room with Nuria and Ellie. I could hear the music, was playing with the girls, and had Tangled playing on my laptop for Ellie to watch. (They also ate a million slices of clemintines!)

Normally, I'm not a huge fan of classical music. I find it rather boring most of the time. If someone else puts it on, I won't complain but I'm not going to put it on myself. I don't typically seek out concerts (though I do enjoy them when I go). So I guess I'm a lazy intellectual. Anyhow, point is, while listening to this symphony, I was so moved I almost cried. I was also super desparate for some nature time and had just gotten a glimpse of the river looking into a national park. (On the other side of that river was forest and beauty and nature and then on the other side of that was Poland. That's how close I was to Poland, how far East. I was all of 3.5 km away from the border.) As I was listening to the music, I had this picture in my head of the river and the trees and just imagining listening to this beautiful symphony while looking out over G-d's beautiful creation moved me to tears. I felt so incredibly blessed at that moment.

Of course, after that we had to hussle to the train station and when we got to Berlin for our train change, we had to race to catch the train to Osna. The family got on and underway while I went to get coffee with Karen, one of the family friends. She lives in Berlin and I was headed to Hamburg. She was so interesting to talk to that I lost track of time... and missed my train. I had to buy a new ticket (which left me broke) but I did get on the train and made it to Hamburg.

And I think this had rambled on for long enough. I'm going to write some more later but it will post throughout the week. Have a great evening!

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Confession Night: Christian Style

I'm having a moment that I don't see the point in reading the Bible every day. I'm not sure why I need to. To connect with G-d and speak with Him daily yes. But can't I get that through Christian books, prayer, and journaling?

I've been reading through the epistles and I feel like they aren't helping me much. Because we all know I follow Christ for what I get out of it. (Sarcasm people, sarcasm!)

When I started reading the epistles I needed instructions and practical things that were easy to apply. Now though I think I need the stories and to draw out their meaning myself. This is part of why just reading straight through the bible doesn't work. I need someone's voice other than Paul's right now. Because honestly Paul is bugging me.

I don't want to hear any more about how he's in prison but he believes this church will continue following his example. Strive to be like Christ because He was so merciful with us. Yes, Paul. I know.

I've never heard another Christian admit to this sort of thinking. I know plenty of people who don't read their bible but I think anyone who claims the label of Christian will also claim the importance of reading the bible daily. Even if they don't.

Tonight I'm going to be home alone for a bit while Kathrin and the girls go to the Christmas Market. (I could go too but I feel like staying here, getting in a work out without prying eyes and away from the cold air, and then eating in relative quiet.) Hopefully somewhere in the quiet, I can find G-d too.

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Home for the Holidays... Yeah Right

Every year apparently it seems there's a Christmas song I can't listen to. Last year, since I was newly single, I remember going caroling with my housemates. We were trying to come up with a song and someone suggested either "All I Want For Christmas Is You" or "Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart". I vetoed it. My dear but oblivious housemates didn't understand until I adamantly refused and said, "Guys. Seriously. Think about it." On a broken heart, I just couldn't do it. Those songs would have made me cry.

This year, cleaning up the kitchen and listening to the Pandora Christmas station. What song comes on...

(Source: My Own.)

Talk about depressing. This year, the holidays will be spent 4000 miles away from home. With a family who I've grown to love but who still aren't mine. This is just a temporary home. One that has changed me and that will always stay in my heart but it's still going to be incredibly strange that I'm not spending Christmas morning throwing balls of wrapping paper in the corner of our living room, making blueberry muffins with my family, and arguing over whose DVD we'll watch first. There might be a cherry cheesecake but if so it'll be made as a concession to me. (Well honestly even back in America this year it would have been.) 

Please don't get me wrong. I love this opportunity and I'm very glad to be able to make these memories. How many years do you get to live on another continent? How many years do you spend Christmas with three little children and see the wonder in their eyes? Or get to be in Paris for that case? I'm going to enjoy every moment of this. I'm going to savour the minutes that I walk around Paris in the snow, that I sip hot cocoa in Berlin, that I bake cookies with the girls. 

But I'm also going to cry when I get done Skyping into the family Christmas party. I'm going to miss it, even if the way it's changed since I was little means it rarely feels like a Christmas party anymore. But this was supposed to be the year I hosted Christmas. It's finally at a home this year instead of in a park shelter. Maybe this year would feel like Christmas again. But instead, my bedroom is probably as decorated as it's going to get. I've got Christmas lights up. That's it. There's no nativity set. There's no ABCFamily to play Christmas specials so I'm finding them online. 

This is going to be one weird Christmas. And I'll be avoiding that song this year...

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Planning: Berlin

I'm currently trying to plan two different things at once. I'm planning Thanksgiving and a trip to Berlin. It's a lot to juggle, a lot of chaos in my brain.

Since Berlin is the one I was working on most recently, here's my current plan for my trip:

Thursday: Breakfast and coffee in Osnabruck
Take the train from about 12-3:30
Settle in wherever I'm staying til around 5 or so (less if needed)
Head out for a walk and to get some food for the weekend
Go to bed

Friday: Breakfast (and coffee)
Free walking tour at 11am
I'll be done with the tour around 2pm and will head to Wilhelm Kaiser Memorial Church to check it out.
Then I'm heading to the Christmas market for a bit.

Saturday: I'll be headed to Sachsenhausen Memorial Concentration Camp. It's bound to be a sobering day but how can I not go to a camp when I have the chance? We need to remember what happened and though it's likely to be a depressing day it will be one I'll never forget. When I get back to the city, I'm going to head to a cafe to journal about the day.

Sunday: I'm going to head to the zoo before I leave the city. Or the TV tower to see the panorama of the city. I'll take the evening train and get back to Osnabruck around midnight.

Somewhere in there I'll be getting together for a coffee with another au pair.

I'm still searching a couch to sleep on before I turn to a hostel. (I have two connections that might pan out but am still searching couch surfing as well. Stop panicking, Grandma. It's not as scary as you think it is.)

My Thanksgiving Day plans will have to be the topic of my next post. :)

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A Weekend Away Part 2: Saturday

November 10, 2012
Today was lovely. Long and I’m very glad for a couple hours to myself before we go out to dinner but lovely. I’d ignored my alarms and was planning on spending the morning by just going to a bakery for something to eat, maybe reading in said bakery, or something along those lines. I was going to wander the town and take some pictures, then probably meet up with the family for lunch/dinner. Instead, around 10:30, Kathrin knocked on my door with breakfast (how sweet is that) and let me know they were leaving in another half hour or so to go to the beach in another town. 

I got ready and we headed to a town about 20 km away. Daniel headed off somewhere while the rest of us went to see the baby seals. 

Nuria slept, the kids played in the play room, I began my next Christmas project (a knit hat). Eventually, we headed in the direction of the sea. That was the weird part of the day. When I say “sea”, that scene you picture? That’s what I pictured. But instead there was a few dunes with sea grass, a span of sand, then after a few stone stairs, a spance of wet sand that squished under my feet. 

I don’t know how far out the squishy part went out but I didn’t see any rolling waves. Not exactly the awe-inspiring scene I’d pictured. The fact that it wasn’t the ocean wasn’t an issue.

The fact that I didn’t see that huge expanse of water though? I am, honestly, kind of disappointed. I was really hoping to just soak in that view. I’m really not sure when the next time I’ll be able to escape to a natural place again. I mean Berlin, Paris, Hamburg… Awesome but cities. And I haven’t spent much time in nature since I got here to Europe. I didn’t realize just how much being in Houghton, the drives between Houghton and Rochester or Rochester and Elmira, how much that was filling up that cup. 

 (Letchworth State Park)

(Right on campus!)

After almost 6 months, my nature cup is nearly empty and I don’t know when it’ll get full again. I started realizing this when I went to Carlotta’s and saw the gorgeous leaves out in the countryside. Another part of my problem is that November is one of the ugliest months. I’m looking forward to the first snowfall. Everything will get covered in white glitter and will be washed clean. I love the first few months of winter. It’s gorgeous. 

And I love the symbolism of the world being washed clean, a fresh slate. It’s like how we’re washed clean by the blood of Christ. His red blood makes me white as snow. I’ve got this picture in my head of how the red drips on me, instead of making me stained like if I pick at a scab, instead it washes away every mark, making me as clean and innocent as the day I was born… except even then I had original sin. Now, I’m even free from that burden.

(All photos contained in this post are my own.)

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A Weekend Away (Part 1: Friday Night)

November 9, 2012
Well I’m laying sideways in my bed in our little B&B in Greetseil.

(My very comfortable bed)

Why sideways? Because I’m closer to the TV this way and I’m practically blind with my glasses on. And why, you ask, do I not have my contacts in if I’m still trying to do things? Because my right contact is totally ripping and bothering the hell out of me. I’ve ordered a new box and hoping they’ll get to the shop on Monday so I can pick them up straight away. This trip was decided on yesterday. I’m absolutely loving the chance to just be away for a weekend. I just needed the change of scenery and the fact that we’re on the North Sea just makes it better.

By the way, “meer” does not mean “ocean”. North SEA, Mediterranean SEA, and probably others translate as “Meer”. So yup still looking forward to seeing the water, will still get the same thrill at seeing the huge body of water, but um it’s not the ocean.

My brain is rather scattered right now so forgive the ADD approach. I’ve got German TV on right now. Except it’s Law & Order: SVU auf Deutsch. By the time we got here tonight, it was already dark (thanks to going even FARTHER north) and there’s no internet here. I didn’t expect it but I’m still thinking about how little contact I’ll have with my family and friends. It’s not really about the entertainment. It’s about the isolation, the lack of contact.

(German TV: A dancing loaf of bread)

(American TV: A talking sponge.)

We went out to dinner at “Captain’s Dinner”.

No I didn’t translate that. It was written in English. I had a salmon filet on a bed of pesto spaghetti. So delicious. But I was stuffed.

And now that I’m back and it’s been an hour or so I’m starving. Without any food. I’ve already got my alarm set for morning so I’ll go to breakfast before I head out. And when I head out, I’ll have my camera with me. Why I didn’t bring my purse I have no idea so I’ll probably end up toting around my laptop bag w/o Artemis in it.

I’m going to put on FRIENDS (I brought a couple DVDs with me) and finish wrapping my stupid headphones. Also need to spend some time with Jesus. G’night.

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