What do I know of Holy?

It's 9PM here and it's been a long day. I started out taking oldest and youngest shopping. Sweet Pea grabbed at a few things when I'd rather she keep her hands to herself but was otherwise very good (then took a nap). Munchkin too was outstandingly well behaved. I got so much done and am so so thankful that I had good little girls. Without them behaving, I would have done the "Okay. I'm done. Let's pay and go home. I'll go back out on my own to finish." Instead, I got almost everything I needed. I managed to go to Tedi, KiK, AllFrisch, the Post Office, and Netto. Despite being super productive, and having such good girls, I was exhausted when I got home. Munchkin took a shower, Kathrin got home, and I took my break to recharge. I sought His face. I knew it was the only way I would be okay enough for the afternoon shift to end up not being called "Evil Vickey". (Note to self: When you've already put the little one through a long morning and you know you're tired, don't expect her not to be. I did get called Evil Vickey despite my efforts.)

In the afternoon, we made Jack O Lanterns. I did most of the work for all three but the girls helped clean 'em out and chose their shapes. Well the older two did at least. Nuria took a nap. And then I made pumpkin seeds. </ramble>

During my time with G-d though, a song came on from Addison Road that really struck me. I've included the video below but the very first verse just hit me.

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

I hope that this song will touch you like it touched me. In other news, during my afternoon off tomorrow, I need to get some things done for the party (like baking) but I'm also planning to get a prayer journal organized. Once it's set up, I'll share my system here.

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Tattoos (and Dinner) with Jesus

31 Cups of Tea with Jesus. Every day I'm supposed to be meeting with Jesus. And at first I did. But then, my faithfulness is a threat to Satan and his evil plans for this world. And he gave me plans with friends which shoved out my plans with Jesus. So I haven't been as faithful to this concept or as faithful to Him. I've talked to Him on my way to my plans and I've chatted a bit but I haven't opened my Bible physically in weeks. I haven't opened my Bible app in a while either. I've let myself get distracted with concerns about the differences in German and American dating and this morning my worry was over the Halloween party. I've started working on Christmas presents but have I started thinking about Advent or His birth? Except for the chocolate Advent calendars and which one I plan to buy myself.

I've written the equivalent of every day this month so far. But not all of them are about Him and not all of them are on an individual day or with a purpose beyond "here is my life". I've wondered if I should have called this 31 Days as an Au Pair and been able to just write about my life and the girls, the challenges I face, the things that make it worth it. A lot of people wrote about Jesus in this link-up. Maybe if I had written about being an au pair I'd have gotten more readers. Because you know that's totally my end goal. :sarcasm: (We totally need a sarcasm font online. Someone get on that.)

I've spent a lot of days lately kind of in a fog. I think it's a good chunk related to my depression setting back in. I have a really hard time concentrating and getting my mind on G-d. But I know that as soon as I do turn to Him and don't try to do it just on my own that I'll feel so much better. Tonight, I hopped in the shower and started talking to Him, thanking Him for the chance to Skype with my dad. Then I started talking tattoos with Jesus. Yup. Go ahead and search that phrase. See how many results you get. (Answer: 21,300 results as of 8:13PM CET on 10/28/2012) And when I had my dinner, I invited Jesus to join me. I pulled up a chair for Him and I started talking, not to the ceiling but to the chair. Or rather to Him in the chair. And as foreign and strange as it felt, as much as I laughed at myself, I feel like this is a good habit to get into sometimes. I need to remember that G-d isn't this far off distant diety. He's not sitting up in the clouds watching me. He's right here. He wants to sit and talk with me. He wants me to invite Him to come with me throughout my days.

There's a group of women on facebook that I've connected with through my online church. I've slowly started to get to know them and I'm working on organizing an accountability group for praying and for Bible reading. I need to do more than take two seconds to thank Him when something goes right.



P.S. On an au pair note? Normally Noemi asks "What are you making?" because that's the direct translation of "Was machst du?" Today she asked, for the first time, "What are you doing?" I love those lightbulb moments where something clicks.

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Blessings

It's Friday night and I'm spending it at home with my knitting, my cocoa, and my laptop. That might sound so horrible but I am so thankful for it. I think tonight, after a long hard week, I need to spend a bit of time counting my blessings.

• A year in Germany including a month in the summer plus Christmas in Paris.
• Netflix.
• Sweet Pea wants to crawl into my lap constantly. It's adorable.
• Munchkin admires me enough that she wishes she could draw like me. Despite my horrible drawing skills.
• The purse I'm knitting for my stepsister is coming along very quickly
• I got a care package today from my mom with a bunch of candy. :)
• The cocoa that I bought at Rewe tastes almost like American. (Though I'd still love me some Swiss Miss.)
• Having newly begun using Twitter, it's been wonderful to make a few friends and keep in touch with old ones.
• My date yesterday went well for the most part. I just need to learn to shut the freak up sometimes.
• My overarching philosophy of "If it's meant to be, it won't matter" is still intact.
• I lucked out when I got this family. Kathrin is amazing in so many ways.
• I get to Skype with my dear Emy this weekend AND my family.
• My dad texted me today to follow up from a phone call from Wednesday night.
• I have food, shelter, and clothing.
• I have plans for a second date with the German.

Even if I am homesick and even if I did spend five minutes in Rewe crying because of Taylor Swift's stupid songs, there are a lot of things in my life that I am so thankful for and that I enjoy greatly. And even more things that I'm sure are along the lines of His blessings through raindrops.

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Danger in dating

Well it's 10:30pm and I'm thinking about crawling into bed. Not quite ready to sleep but if I get in bed, with my PJs on and a cup of warm tea... I've spent the last couple hours in the kitchen. Knitting my stepsister's Christmas gift (yes seriously), watching Once Upon A Time, and chatting with Kathrin. I also got my Lunette ready for use in a few weeks. It's sad the things I get excited about. Yup, I am excited about using my Lunette for the first time. Sorry any men that happen to be reading that google that term.

Because I was getting my Lunette ready, I regaled Kathrin with some stories about puberty with a single father. It's strange to think that was half my lifetime ago. I've been chatting with Bernadette lately and I'm now almost as old as she was back when we met through JLand. If I live to be 88, this is the one quarter mark. Some people don't get that far. It's just strange to think of.

I went shopping during my break today and on my way back had another realization.

It's dangerous for me to be dating. 

When I date, it is very easy for me to let my head get wrapped up in when this plan will happen and when that will happen and to let my head get away from me. But we don't talk about that last part. I don't listen to logic and my anxiety channels itself into every possible bad scenario. I worry that he's waiting for me to suggest a day. I worry that if I do it'll be too pushy. I worry that he misinterpreted XYorZ and now thinks I don't like him/I'm a freak/I'm a stupid American. I worry about everything. And currently having two separate cultures just gives more fuel to the fire. I could seriously use a list of rules for how to handle this.

The only thing I'm figuring out is that if I seek Him, I stress less. If I seek Him, I hurt less. I worry less. I spend less time with my stomach in knots.

Do I know what's going to happen? No. Do I know where the balance between spending time with friends at bars and spending time at home with Christ is? Not a chance. All I know is that I need Jesus in my life and that if I trust in Him, the guy meant for me will understand that I stress out about little things, will reassure me that I'm not putting him off/freaky/stupid, and will actually suggest a day for when to have coffee. The guy meant for me is not about to be put off if I wait too long to text him or text him too soon. So if Benjamin is, then he's not right for me.

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Distance

Alright. It was a great weekend but at the end of it, I'm honestly feeling so distant from Him...

I just didn't spend any time with Him this weekend and I've allowed myself to drift enough that I notice. It might just be a little but it's enough. And it's letting me sink into depression. Depression sucks.

So does anxiety.

I'm not sure I can spew everything out into a blog post. Not sure if it's the hour or the tired or the crap but this is rambling. Here's my point:

My depression gets worse when I distance myself from G-d. I do not believe that my mental illnesses are a result of my particular sin. I do believe that in a world before the fall depression and anxiety would not have existed but that I did nothing in particular to "deserve" this illness, aside from being born into this sinful world. But I do believe that there are things I can do to make the effects better or worse. One of the things that severely impacts my mood and how much my mental illness effects me is my relationship with G-d. If there's sin keeping me separated from Him, my depression hurts me. If there's any reason why I haven't sought His face lately, it hurts.

I was so busy this weekend that I didn't seek Him. And I'm paying for it today. And it's almost 11 pm, I'm exhausted, and I'm going to bed. I haven't sought Him today either. :(

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