Future

I had a glimpse this afternoon of my future. I had just finished baking brownies with the girls and they were cooling on the table (the brownies, not the girls). Nuria had fallen asleep on my lap while playing with my iPod. Without a tear, a whine, or a noise. She simply fell asleep with her head leaned against my chest and my iPod in her hand. It was the most precious thing. I'd laid her down in the bed for a nap, unsure of how long she would sleep (the answer? Almost three hours with one slight break in the middle to nurse from her mama). Yael was playing an educational coloring game on an iPad, (learning colors, how to follow directions, and using her English words) and Noemi got out her homework to get started on her own. I had my laptop in front of me with Pandora playing quietly, the kitchen was pretty well cleaned up, and I checked my e-mail quickly between looking at Noemi's progress practicing her 5's. I had an email announcing a new post on a blog I started following. A mommy blog. A Christian homeschooling mommy blog. I clicked the link, scanned the page, and shut my laptop, this post starting to form in my head.

These girls are not my daughters, no matter how often they accidentally call me Mama. I don't have to spend all day taking care of them, I get breaks. During my break today I took a nice long hot shower with rose scented body oil. This is one of those things that a SAHM probably wouldn't have time for. Certainly not in the middle of the day. (And let me tell you it was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed.) I absolutely love that Nuria's favorite toy is my iPod. I won't let her walk away with it so it means she has to sit on my lap. What torture for me, right? I adore that Noemi wants me to draw her tattoos. And the way Ellie curls into me when she's crying, though I hate that she's upset, melts my heart. Every night, just about, I get called to bedtime duty. "Vickey, will you throw me in bed?" Magic word? "Please!? Swinging around?" I love that the girls turn to me for that. Right now, they're basically my world. Someday, though I hope to still be in contact with this family, I will have a family of my own. And it will be my babies asking Mama for another story before bed or to have a tattoo like Mama has (and if Mama has anything to say about it like Papa has too! :P).

This afternoon, I was completely at peace. No, being a mother won't be easy. I don't think it will all be rainbows and butterflies. There will be times when my three year old is the one crying and I can't understand her between sobs or help her calm down. There will be nights when the baby just won't go to sleep. There will be arguments over if something is fair or not and there will be headaches. Long showers may not happen. They may be more like five minute quick get clean and get out showers and it'll be a miracle if my legs get shaved. But that's okay. I know that my calling in this life is to have children, to be a mother. And one of the big differences between my situation now and then? I'll have a husband to be there with me and to support me. Together we will handle things. The screaming toddler may be mine to handle but after all the kids are in bed even if for only five minutes, I will get to turn to my husband and take comfort in the fact that he is there to back up my rules, to be my rock. I can melt into his arms and realize that no matter how crazy the day, I have a husband who loves me, wonderful-if sometimes insane-children, and I am blessed. I will still need some alone time, I will still cherish those times I get to take a long shower or sit with a delicious cup of coffee by myself or with a book. I will still need breaks from my kids too. I think every mother does. But I know also that my life will always be chaotic but it will be mine and I will always be so blessed.

In the last two years, my future has changed so much. I've lost my fiance, I've changed from a degree that allows a straightforward answer to the question "What do you hope to do?" to a degree where that answer is "I could do almost anything with this degree..." But I've grown closer to G-d as well. I don't know much about my future but moments like this afternoon help me remember that I am on the right path and that He does know. Someday it will be my baby taking a nap, my toddler playing nicely on her own, and my "school kid" working on her homework. And I will take a moment and breathe deeply and thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings He has given me and for the (rare) moment of quiet and order in a life that is bound to be relatively complicated.