The End of My Rope

I am at the end of me. For 7 months or more, I've tried to run on my own energy, my own steam, my own will. I've tried to do it all without interference, without help, without Him. I've paused in the amazement of my blessings, the wonder of watching my daughter grow and learn and I've whispered a quick thank you but I haven't stopped to listen to Him. I haven't stopped to really soak in Him, bask in His presence, connect with the One who made everything around me. And for the most part, I haven't been writing. Not here, not in my journals, not anywhere but texts. I've overcommitted and I've taken on too much mentally while simultaneously managing to not do much at all. My list of things to accomplish is a mile long and never ending.
When the house is a disaster, it's my fault. But simultaneously, it's not at all because my husband said he'd do the dishes a week ago and still hasn't. But in that week, neither have I. So while I sit here, not doing anything about the mess that surrounds me, blaming someone else, I also beat myself up about the fact that I can't even keep my house clean. Yes, the workings of my mind are a dark and twisty place sometimes. I spend too much time on my phone playing games and involved in facebook crap and not enough time connecting with my Creator and I wonder why I struggle. With winter coming, this is an even more serious issue for me.
In case you didn't already know, I struggle with depression, especially seasonal depression. I was incredibly lucky to escape postpartum depression immediately after my daughter's birth. I was at high risk and technically I'm not out of the woods yet. PPD and PPA can strike at any time in the first year postpartum. Mental illness is a very real thing and it's something I've struggled with for 18 years. Yes, you read that right. I'm still in my twenties and I've been in this battle most of my life. I hadn't even hit puberty yet when I began fighting. I've never known what it was like to not worry about what others thought of me or to not take the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Last night, I hit my breaking point. We'd had a good day. My husband had the day off and we took the kids I watch to a corn maze and to get pumpkins. Except for some potty training issues and a missing cup, the day went off without a hitch. But on the way home, talking about the little girl I watch, my husband mentioned how much like me she can be. How we're both stubborn. And in his words, "she's preparing [me] for someone who's going to be [my] little clone". Those words just hit me like a brick. I love my daughter beyond measure but in that moment I felt awful. I don't want her to be like me. I'm selfish and I'm stubborn. I can be mean and I struggle with anger and frustration. I'm impatient and at times I don't just walk away from G-d but I run. He is not the center of my life as He should be. I want her to be better than me. And last night, I couldn't see any of the good things in me. I couldn't see any of the reasons why I should be proud that she might take after me.
What an awful point to come to. After such a good day, a day where the kids made good choices and we had so much fun, where we began a fall tradition and picked out a first pumpkin for a little one, to end up in tears practically begging my husband to tell me what he loved about me because I couldn't see it... Well I haven't been that low in a long time. Is it postpartum, sleep deprivation? Or the changing of the seasons? Or is it all because I broke the rope that had previously felt like it was keeping me from running too far from G-d and drifted off to sea? I don't know. But I know I need to fix this. No, I need to open myself and allow Him to fix me. I need to change and I cannot do that on my own. I've tried for too long.
So I'm not going to say that I'll be blogging regularly or on any sort of a schedule. I'm not going to make any more demands on myself or promise anything to anyone else. My word for the year was temple. I am a temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of that temple. That means putting me on the list. And maybe crossing a few things off. My mental health is important. My spiritual growth is important. So I'm not going to oblige myself any more than I already am. But I am going to take care of me. Part of that will be writing more. But I don't know where I'll be doing that. If it's here, I hope you'll read and chime in. If it's in my journals, I know that my Audience will be attentive to every jot and tittle. And if it's working on my book, well, someday you'll have the chance to read it. But while that's still on my agenda, I refuse to make it a chore. It's so much more than that and it's far too important to ever let myself dread. Every word of it needs to be written with purpose and with love. So if it takes me another decade or two to write, so be it. It will be done when He wants it done. And after He helps me determine what I'm supposed to write about!
I hope when you read this you understand. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for you to tell me what to do to fix this. These are my mental blocks and I'm slowly developing a plan to knock them out of my way, to jump over them. I hope if you have similar mental blocks, or even just stubborn ones of your own, maybe this will inspire you to create your own plan. Maybe it will just make you aware that you are not alone. And maybe some day we'll both look back on this and know that we reached the end of us and found something so much greater.

Continue reading →

My Heart and All Its Problems - Physical and Emotional

My heart sucks. I was born with two holes in my heart and suffered a heart murmur until I was about ten. When I was in college, I developed heart palpitations. They're aggravated by stress and caffeine. My heart these last few weeks has been insane. Lots of palpitations, lots of just feeling funny.

This morning, I got a latte with my freebie and forgot to say "half caf". I had approximately 1/3 of my drink before it hit.

I was nauseous. My chest felt funny. My pulse rate was slow, so slow. And I still had another fifteen minute until I got to work. So I guzzled water, I trashed the rest of my delicious latte, and I decided I needed to reduce my stress for the day.

After Natalie woke up, I loaded some toys into the car, bundled her up, and we picked Mac up from preschool. Then I took both of them back to my place. Is what I'm doing here any different than what I would have done there? Not really. But being in my place, my home, it helps. I did the dishes while I made lunch and for once it was productive for my life. I do dishes every day, sometimes multiple times, but most of the time I come home and I see that mess waiting for me. And it just stresses me out again. Yes, I've spent most of naptime watching Netflix and on my laptop just like if I was "at" work. But once they wake up, I'll unload the dishwasher and I'll put a few things in and then, I'll get to feed my charges and my husband all in one swoop. And I get to eat at a decent hour.

I spent a few minutes putting on a face mask -which was an epic fail actually. I turned into a tomato. And I'm going to do my nails. I'm going to pamper myself. I'm going to do whatever it takes to center myself, to destress, to get in tune with who I am. Because I haven't been lately.


And ya know what, I used to think confidence and feeling comfortable in your own skin was a slope. I thought once you got it, you had it. And lately I feel like I've lost it. I think back to when I was in Europe and I had it. I swear I had it back then. I felt comfortable and confident and I was active. I was walking around the city, about two hours a day. Which meant I lost weight. And it showed. I had a glow that I've lost. I survived the dreariest winter in 50 years in that city. WITHOUT my anti-depressants.

My anxiety got out of hand a few times but I knew who I was. I felt comfortable, especially when I was with my friends or on my own. But lately? I feel like I suck as an adult.

At 22, in Europe, not knowing how to cook wasn't an issue. I just ate what Kathrin made. If I was hungry at other times, I ate a slice of that delicious bread with yummy cheese. I don't think I even went so far as making pasta for myself the entire time I was there. Yes, I cooked a few times for the family. I tried my hand at burgers, lasagna, tacos. But I couldn't just whip something up. I don't think I ever saw Kathrin use a recipe. She made her tomato sauce from scratch. She whipped up some form of frittata weekly without any guideline. Things just got thrown into a pan and cooked. Salad dressing was just sprinkled on. Meanwhile the one time she asked me to do it, I looked up a recipe. How else was I to know how much oil or vinegar, salt or pepper to use?

Now, I want to be able to throw dinner together just by looking in the fridge. I want to have a month where I can toss chicken in a pot and a vegetable in another and just wing it. And have it turn out delicious. But I don't know the first thing about cooking. I can follow recipes but I cannot cook without one.

Furthermore, I suck at being a girl I've decided. I don't know how to do my makeup. I don't have a skin care routine. I manage to shower and use deodorant and that's about it. I'm not well dressed or put together and though it might not matter to some people, it's starting to bug me. I even suck at keeping a home. Both decor and cleaning. I didn't even know how to properly empty my vacuum cleaner until this past weekend!

Are these things I could learn? Yes. But I feel like by 25 I should have some of this down. And instead, I feel behind. Behind where I was two years ago when I knew who I was. Behind my friends who seem to be able to cook their own dinners without problem. Behind my expectations of where I should be.

This is a pretty dreary end to this post I suppose but I don't really have a revelation yet. I just know that I feel behind. I feel like I've lost something I didn't know you could lose and I don't know how to start getting it back.

Continue reading →

My Life Verse: Context and Impact

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  

Jeremiah 29:10-14a

I have most of Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on my arm. It takes up a good chunk of space from my shoulder along my bicep ending just above my elbow. There are days I think it takes up a good chunk of valuable space and wish I hadn’t gotten it. Then there are days like today that it means the world to me. We can’t take that verse out of context like so many do. We need to remember why G-d said this. He was speaking to a people about to be put into captivity, to be made slaves to a foreign nation. Their kings were, frankly, doing a shitty job of it, and the people were being stubborn and hard-hearted. They weren’t listening to their King and His prophets but to the false prophets who were giving them the pleasant lies instead of the truth of G-d.

(Tattoo by Sara Purr)

When I was reading this section today, I was struck by it. I knew “my verse” was coming up soon but I didn’t really pay attention to where I was. Suddenly, I was reading words I know so intimately. “For I know the plans I have for you”. Oh hello there, G-d. I felt like I got smacked from half paying attention to “Victoria! These words are important! Pay attention! Wake up!” And I went back to the beginning of the section break (Jeremiah 29:10) and reread that section. I must have read it three or four times. And then the tears started to fall.

This past hour, I’ve been an emotional wreck. Without real reason. It suddenly hit me that I’m leaving in two months. That I only have two more months here. And some days that might seem like an eternity but today that feels like the blink of an eye. In only two months, I’ll be gone. (More on the bittersweet essence of this tomorrow.) I may never walk these streets again. I’ll certainly never be a part of this family in the way I am now again. I hope that I’ll stay in touch with them for years and years to come but I know how way leads on to way and people tend to part. I don’t want that and I’ll do my best to prevent it but I’ll never be as intimately connected to them as I am now. 

So when I read those words, something hit me. And as the tears rolled silently down, my six year old sat not ten feet away from me. I don’t like when people see me cry, let alone a child who isn’t going to understand why I’m crying. Heck, I’m not sure I understood why I was crying.

It just touched me so much that G-d told His people, “You will suffer this punishment for your sin. For 70 years you will be in Babylon, but I won’t forget you. I’ve drawn a line in the sand and when that day comes, I will come rescue you. I will bring you back to prosperity and to hope. I will bring you back to the future I made for you. And when that time has passed, call on me. I will answer you, child. I will be there. I will not turn a deaf ear to your pleas, to your cries. You can tell me anything you want, my daughter, my son. If you look for me, if you come after me, with all your heart, I will answer you. You will find me. And I will bring you back from this punishment.”

The last few days, my depression has been acting up. I’ve been very out of sorts. And I’ve considered going back on my anti-depressants, something I’d hoped never to do. But the thing is with my meds, I know I have about six weeks until they kick in and I feel better. Without them, I don’t know when this cloud will lift. I don’t know when I’ll feel like me again. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder (known as SAD. Yes, seriously) so I know more sun, better weather, I’ll feel better. Unfortunately, I’ve had years that it took until June for me to feel better. Other years, I’m starting to come out of it already at this time of year. I don’t know why different years are different but I can’t predict what this year will bring. 

But I do know that G-d knows how long it will last. I really wish I could see where that line in the sand is for me. G-d told the people of Israel but He doesn't tell me. And it's always hardest to go through something you're not enjoying when you don't know when it ends. So I'm trying to trust in G-d. What really hit me today was verses 12 and 13. ("You will call on me...and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.") My word for the year is seek after all. As I've been reading my Bible faithfully and spending time with Him faithfully, I've noticed G-d working. He's given me chances to share my story and to share my passion for Him. He is good. He is faithful. He made these promises to the people of Israel approximately 2600 years ago but He is fulfilling them today still. 

My G-d is good.

(source)

Continue reading →