The End of My Rope

I am at the end of me. For 7 months or more, I've tried to run on my own energy, my own steam, my own will. I've tried to do it all without interference, without help, without Him. I've paused in the amazement of my blessings, the wonder of watching my daughter grow and learn and I've whispered a quick thank you but I haven't stopped to listen to Him. I haven't stopped to really soak in Him, bask in His presence, connect with the One who made everything around me. And for the most part, I haven't been writing. Not here, not in my journals, not anywhere but texts. I've overcommitted and I've taken on too much mentally while simultaneously managing to not do much at all. My list of things to accomplish is a mile long and never ending.
When the house is a disaster, it's my fault. But simultaneously, it's not at all because my husband said he'd do the dishes a week ago and still hasn't. But in that week, neither have I. So while I sit here, not doing anything about the mess that surrounds me, blaming someone else, I also beat myself up about the fact that I can't even keep my house clean. Yes, the workings of my mind are a dark and twisty place sometimes. I spend too much time on my phone playing games and involved in facebook crap and not enough time connecting with my Creator and I wonder why I struggle. With winter coming, this is an even more serious issue for me.
In case you didn't already know, I struggle with depression, especially seasonal depression. I was incredibly lucky to escape postpartum depression immediately after my daughter's birth. I was at high risk and technically I'm not out of the woods yet. PPD and PPA can strike at any time in the first year postpartum. Mental illness is a very real thing and it's something I've struggled with for 18 years. Yes, you read that right. I'm still in my twenties and I've been in this battle most of my life. I hadn't even hit puberty yet when I began fighting. I've never known what it was like to not worry about what others thought of me or to not take the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Last night, I hit my breaking point. We'd had a good day. My husband had the day off and we took the kids I watch to a corn maze and to get pumpkins. Except for some potty training issues and a missing cup, the day went off without a hitch. But on the way home, talking about the little girl I watch, my husband mentioned how much like me she can be. How we're both stubborn. And in his words, "she's preparing [me] for someone who's going to be [my] little clone". Those words just hit me like a brick. I love my daughter beyond measure but in that moment I felt awful. I don't want her to be like me. I'm selfish and I'm stubborn. I can be mean and I struggle with anger and frustration. I'm impatient and at times I don't just walk away from G-d but I run. He is not the center of my life as He should be. I want her to be better than me. And last night, I couldn't see any of the good things in me. I couldn't see any of the reasons why I should be proud that she might take after me.
What an awful point to come to. After such a good day, a day where the kids made good choices and we had so much fun, where we began a fall tradition and picked out a first pumpkin for a little one, to end up in tears practically begging my husband to tell me what he loved about me because I couldn't see it... Well I haven't been that low in a long time. Is it postpartum, sleep deprivation? Or the changing of the seasons? Or is it all because I broke the rope that had previously felt like it was keeping me from running too far from G-d and drifted off to sea? I don't know. But I know I need to fix this. No, I need to open myself and allow Him to fix me. I need to change and I cannot do that on my own. I've tried for too long.
So I'm not going to say that I'll be blogging regularly or on any sort of a schedule. I'm not going to make any more demands on myself or promise anything to anyone else. My word for the year was temple. I am a temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of that temple. That means putting me on the list. And maybe crossing a few things off. My mental health is important. My spiritual growth is important. So I'm not going to oblige myself any more than I already am. But I am going to take care of me. Part of that will be writing more. But I don't know where I'll be doing that. If it's here, I hope you'll read and chime in. If it's in my journals, I know that my Audience will be attentive to every jot and tittle. And if it's working on my book, well, someday you'll have the chance to read it. But while that's still on my agenda, I refuse to make it a chore. It's so much more than that and it's far too important to ever let myself dread. Every word of it needs to be written with purpose and with love. So if it takes me another decade or two to write, so be it. It will be done when He wants it done. And after He helps me determine what I'm supposed to write about!
I hope when you read this you understand. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for you to tell me what to do to fix this. These are my mental blocks and I'm slowly developing a plan to knock them out of my way, to jump over them. I hope if you have similar mental blocks, or even just stubborn ones of your own, maybe this will inspire you to create your own plan. Maybe it will just make you aware that you are not alone. And maybe some day we'll both look back on this and know that we reached the end of us and found something so much greater.

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The Fears of My Mama Heart

Lord, make our daughters like Sarah and Rebecca
Like Rachel and like Leah, who built the house of Israel
Lord, make our daughters like Sarah and Rebecca
Like Rachel and like Leah, who built the house of Israel
Oh Lord, we pray

I was listening to the playlist of music I curated for when I'm in labor earlier and this song jumped out at me. (No, I'm not in labor yet. I won't be live-blogging that. I just wanted to listen to good Christian music and that fit the bill.) I first heard this song at Houghton College during a concert by John Waller himself. At the time, the song struck me because I longed to be like these great women of the Bible myself, to be a woman after G-d's own heart, to be someone others could look at and say that I took after Sarah and Rebecca. These days, this song holds a different meaning to me.

My daughter is almost done with the time she'll spend growing inside me. Any time between now and Easter, I could go into labor and she could make her entrance. As uncomfortable as I'm getting and as ready as I am to have my body back to myself, I wonder if I'm ready to step into motherhood in this way. Yes, I'm already her mother but the minute she's in my arms, our dynamic changes. Taking care of her right now is almost a passive action. I don't have to put much thought into feeding her or comforting her. I don't have to change diapers or put her to sleep. Those things just happen on their own right now. But someday soon, she'll be not only her own being but she'll have her own needs on her own schedule and I won't be able to tend them quite as easily. My little girl will make her demands known in a very different way and as the day draws nearer, I wonder if I'm prepared.

Will I be able to distinguish between the signs for "I'm hungry" and "I'm wet"? Will I be able to comfort her and rock her to sleep as easily on the outside as I can now? I already know she's a Daddy's girl. Does that mean I'm doomed to a day of fussing and crying until we get home at night and he can hold her? As her sole source of food for the next several months and main source for the next year, will I be able to handle it? Will I get touched out? Will I have enough milk? Will I recognize whether she has a good latch and be able to correct it if not? Or will I be so overwhelmed that I'll want to give up long before it's best for her?

And once she's older, will I be able to teach her what she needs to know? To set the best example for her? Will my daughter grow to be like Sarah and Rebecca, like Rachel and like Leah? Will she look up to me as a godly woman, a good example? Will she see the influence of these women in my life? Or will she see G-d as a part of my life but not the center? Will she see my flaws, my shortcomings, my ineptitude before she sees my love for the Creator? What will she think is the central part of my life? Will it be my faith? Or my family? Or myself?

My daughter already has her own personality, her own thoughts and ideas and opinions. She already has preferences for what foods she likes (spicy foods and cupcakes seem to be a favorite, chicken not so much). She's not even born yet and she's fully formed. Yes, the events of her life will shape her and mold her. I don't mean to say she's the same person now that she will be even a year from now. But the blueprint is there. As she grows, either the workmanship can be shoddy and can result in crooked walls and crumbling foundation or it can be solid and she can grow into the person G-d intends for her to be. And a good chunk of which way that goes depends on the examples set for her and the ways in which her father and I raise her.

What a huge responsibility! I think the weight of what we've signed up for is starting to sink in as it becomes more and more real that this little one is an independent person and will very soon occupy her own space in this world. I love my daughter and I would do this again in a heartbeat just to have her. I do not regret this pregnancy or the timing of it. I know that this was when she was meant to make her way into our lives and I could not be more overjoyed. That does not mean I'm not allowed to be apprehensive or overwhelmed. My daughter means everything to me and I want to do what's right by her. It's only natural that I would see the monumental size of this task and balk just a bit. To raise her to take after these great women, I feel inadequate. To show her what it means to be a godly woman, to love the L-rd with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and with all your strength is a huge calling. There are so many, many things I want her to learn. I guess I need to start learning some of them myself and pray that she'll see my struggles to be like Hannah and Ruth and Mary, to be the mother she deserves and the woman I know G-d wants me to be, and that she'll realize her mommy may not be perfect. And I may stumble and fall time and time again. But I will always pick myself back up and I will always try again and I will always, through it all, love her and her father and I will strive to put G-d at the center of our home and our lives and my own heart.

L-rd, make me a woman after Your heart. Make me a mother like Hannah. Help me devote my life and my child to Your cause. For this child, I have prayed, G-d, and I turn her life over to You. Guide me in the best ways to raise her and love her and care for her. Give me patience as I await her arrival and as I figure out how to be her mama in a more active way. Grant me humility to ask for help when I need it and just enough sleep to get through my days. G-d, bless my daughter. Let her grow into the woman You have planned for her to be and keep her in Your ways. I ask only that You'd let me witness Your work and I thank You for the privilege of having a part in this miracle. Amen.

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My One Word for 2016

2016 is going to be one hell of a year. Don't get me wrong; 2015 was incredible, but I am so excited for 2016. 2015 was the year I first began as a wife. The year we began to figure out what that meant. We navigated budgetting and saving and meal planning and chores. We added some fur babies to our home (one at the end of 2014, the other this fall). We took a leap of faith and handed control of one particular aspect of our lives over to G-d. Then, on July 4th, we found out our family would be growing by another human. (Thankfully only one this time!) It's been insane ever since.

Ever since that moment, I've been growing into a different person, a mom, her mom. I know I'm never done growing as a person and I know my identity isn't solely who I am as a mom. I'm still a wife, a woman, a daughter, a sister. And those parts of me are nowhere near finished. But now there's this big new part being unlocked. It started the moment that second line showed up and has grown day by day. Every time I've heard her heartbeat or felt her kick, I've fallen a little more in love with her. And every moment she's gone nuts for the San Jose Sharks or kicked out of shock at the newest Star Wars movies and I've seen the pride and the joy on my husband's face, I've fallen more in love with him.

In this next year, while everyone is making their resolutions, I think my goals are fairly simple. You may disagree. In about three months, my daughter will enter the world and I want to be the mama she needs. I want to show her love, to show her what it means to be a godly woman and a loving wife. I want to show her how to adult, to budget and save and meal plan and cook. And I want to teach her to take care of herself too. To take five minutes for a shower, to drink a cup of tea and just breathe. I want to show her that eating good, healthy food doesn't mean being deprived or boring and that working out is something we do to feel our best and to be good stewards of the body G-d gave us, not because we don't like our reflection or we hate our thighs.

Do I think she's going to soak all of this in by the end of 2016?No. But I do think it will start to set a firm foundation. These values I want to impart to her aren't necessarily things I've already got mastered. So this goal isn't just "Keep living how I am but with a baby." It involves work and growth and deliberate change.

I don't expect to suddenly change who I am overnight. My diet won't suddenly be 100% organic or sugar free. We won't suddenly have our bills line up perfectly every month and I might sometimes overspend on stupid things. I won't suddenly work out 3x a week or stick to my devos every day. But these are all things I plan to work on. So for 2016, my one word is 'temple'. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and it is my job to care for it, inside and out.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from G-d? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor G-d with your bodies.

-1 Corinthians 6:19-20

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My Life Verse: Context and Impact

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  

Jeremiah 29:10-14a

I have most of Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on my arm. It takes up a good chunk of space from my shoulder along my bicep ending just above my elbow. There are days I think it takes up a good chunk of valuable space and wish I hadn’t gotten it. Then there are days like today that it means the world to me. We can’t take that verse out of context like so many do. We need to remember why G-d said this. He was speaking to a people about to be put into captivity, to be made slaves to a foreign nation. Their kings were, frankly, doing a shitty job of it, and the people were being stubborn and hard-hearted. They weren’t listening to their King and His prophets but to the false prophets who were giving them the pleasant lies instead of the truth of G-d.

(Tattoo by Sara Purr)

When I was reading this section today, I was struck by it. I knew “my verse” was coming up soon but I didn’t really pay attention to where I was. Suddenly, I was reading words I know so intimately. “For I know the plans I have for you”. Oh hello there, G-d. I felt like I got smacked from half paying attention to “Victoria! These words are important! Pay attention! Wake up!” And I went back to the beginning of the section break (Jeremiah 29:10) and reread that section. I must have read it three or four times. And then the tears started to fall.

This past hour, I’ve been an emotional wreck. Without real reason. It suddenly hit me that I’m leaving in two months. That I only have two more months here. And some days that might seem like an eternity but today that feels like the blink of an eye. In only two months, I’ll be gone. (More on the bittersweet essence of this tomorrow.) I may never walk these streets again. I’ll certainly never be a part of this family in the way I am now again. I hope that I’ll stay in touch with them for years and years to come but I know how way leads on to way and people tend to part. I don’t want that and I’ll do my best to prevent it but I’ll never be as intimately connected to them as I am now. 

So when I read those words, something hit me. And as the tears rolled silently down, my six year old sat not ten feet away from me. I don’t like when people see me cry, let alone a child who isn’t going to understand why I’m crying. Heck, I’m not sure I understood why I was crying.

It just touched me so much that G-d told His people, “You will suffer this punishment for your sin. For 70 years you will be in Babylon, but I won’t forget you. I’ve drawn a line in the sand and when that day comes, I will come rescue you. I will bring you back to prosperity and to hope. I will bring you back to the future I made for you. And when that time has passed, call on me. I will answer you, child. I will be there. I will not turn a deaf ear to your pleas, to your cries. You can tell me anything you want, my daughter, my son. If you look for me, if you come after me, with all your heart, I will answer you. You will find me. And I will bring you back from this punishment.”

The last few days, my depression has been acting up. I’ve been very out of sorts. And I’ve considered going back on my anti-depressants, something I’d hoped never to do. But the thing is with my meds, I know I have about six weeks until they kick in and I feel better. Without them, I don’t know when this cloud will lift. I don’t know when I’ll feel like me again. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder (known as SAD. Yes, seriously) so I know more sun, better weather, I’ll feel better. Unfortunately, I’ve had years that it took until June for me to feel better. Other years, I’m starting to come out of it already at this time of year. I don’t know why different years are different but I can’t predict what this year will bring. 

But I do know that G-d knows how long it will last. I really wish I could see where that line in the sand is for me. G-d told the people of Israel but He doesn't tell me. And it's always hardest to go through something you're not enjoying when you don't know when it ends. So I'm trying to trust in G-d. What really hit me today was verses 12 and 13. ("You will call on me...and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.") My word for the year is seek after all. As I've been reading my Bible faithfully and spending time with Him faithfully, I've noticed G-d working. He's given me chances to share my story and to share my passion for Him. He is good. He is faithful. He made these promises to the people of Israel approximately 2600 years ago but He is fulfilling them today still. 

My G-d is good.

(source)

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One Word: Seek

I decided against a traditional resolution this year. I have monthly goals and a word that encompasses my hopes for the year. My word is Seek. I'm seeking G-d. Daily. I'm seeking His Will for my life. I'm seeking my path, my next job. I'm praying for my romantic life and that I might see the next step. No matter who it's with. My goal for January was to read the Bible every day. I missed a few days but have been much more consistent than before. This month for February, my goal is to drink 3 bottles of water a day. Other goals include exercise, reducing technology use, etc.

(Made by Melanie at Only A Breath)

So how am I seeking? I'm working my way through Isaiah right now through a YouVersion reading plan since the first of the month with some girls from my lifegroup. I've also been trying to read a Psalm a day. And I've been journalling a bunch. Okay I've journalled 26 pages since the beginning of the year. And it's not difficult for me to write 5 at a time. (I've also realized my journals in the future will be spiral bound. I can't do this book binding style when I get more than halfway in.)

I've been doing a bunch of job searching lately. (Another form of "seek"-ing.) And there are days when it really bugs me. I hate doing it. I don't want to stay here forever. I'm homesick. But I don't want to be doing this job search thing. I feel underqualified for a lot of jobs. My college jobs were in the food service industry. And most of my job working with kids was informal. I've watched my little sister since she was born. I took care of my three month old cousin for a few hours when I was eight years old. On my week of vacation, I stole my five month old niece and took care of her whenever I could. (And the smiles I got out of that baby are priceless. This chick here is one very proud aunt with one adorable niece.) But those aren't things I can put on my resume. My babysitting jobs tended to be one off's. I don't have many references. This year as an au pair and the two summers I took care of a girl in the next town who has autism are my best things. I am capable. I am intelligent. I love to learn and I can do it quickly. But I need someone willing to teach me.

So do you have a word for the year? Do you have a resolution? And have you stuck to it so far? It's only been 41 days afterall.

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