Lost in Him

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That night we attended a Bible study that Amy led for high-school girls. She was amazing, and all of the love cliches I had heard about over the years happened to me. When she prayed for "her girls," heaven seemed to open. When she sang songs of worship, time stood still. Every time she looked in my direction, I simultaneously praised G[-]d and melted. She was funny, loyal, and sincere. Not to mention, on a scale of one to ten, she was a 498 million. (Still is.) I remember thinking, G[-]d, you are good. Nice work.

[... O]ur marriage is now officially old enough to move out and go to college. During all those years, I've come to know Amy better than I know any other person in the world. If there are forty women in a room all talking at once, I can pick out her voice. If I walk into a crowded lobby, with people all crushed together, my eyes find hers instantly. I know her scent, and a single whiff of it will make me think about her for the rest of the day. I know her favorite color, her favorite song, her favorite meal, which of my shirts she likes best. 

--Craig Groeschel, The Christian Atheist

The book I just quoted isn't about romance. It's not about earthly relationships. It's about living life like you are a Christian rather than like 99% of people do. It's about the impact that believing in Jesus Christ as Saviour has, or should have, on our lives. But then there's me. I read the two paragraphs above and I start crying. Because I want that. I want someone to be able to say those things about me. I don't want to have to start over again with a relationship, to learn what he likes, to teach him what I like. I want the intimacy again. I was already here. I've already done this. And I'm not looking forward to doing it again. It should be exciting, it should be fun. But it just sounds tedious. Now mind you I've begun that process again with someone else and it wasn't tedious. It wasn't awful or boring. It's butterflies and that delicious anticipation and all the fantastic, brilliant bits of having a crush and maybe it'll be more and not knowing where the boundaries are and figuring out the little things (because it's always the little things) that make this man different than that guy was. (And yes I did specifically call one a man and one a guy for a reason. Because calling the second a boy makes me sound like a pedophile.)

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This is my prayer. That G-d would let me get lost in Him. That until it's time for me to find my husband that I would be so lost in His arms, in getting to know Him, that I'd hardly notice that I'm single. I want to yearn for my King. I want to know Him. I want my life to be a city on a hill, a voice crying out in the darkness that there is hope. I want to miss Him like I missed Ron when we didn't talk for a few days, or even a few hours sometimes. I want to cherish the Word like I cherished those few love letters. I want to cling to every promise, every moment that He has said I am loved. I am cherished. I was knit together with care. I want the words He speaks about me to mean as much as those compliments that stick in my head do. Because when Christ says that He died for me, that should be the biggest compliment. That should be what means the most to me.

Why do I lose sight of what's important? Why doesn't the Word of Christ entice me as much as the memory of "baby you're beautiful beyond words"? Why doesn't knowing that I am so important to Him that He knows the number of hairs on my head? And consider that for a moment. Consider how many times a day, an hour a hair falls out. And how many new hairs grow. And yet at any given moment if called to account for the number of hairs on my head, Christ could tell you. And not just me but every single person on this planet. That is how important we all are to Him. He has so many other things He has to concern Himself with but He cares so much about us that He knows our every breath, our every thought.

The next couple of pictures (all taken from my pinterest board Living for Him) are meant to remind me about why I'm single and why that's not a bad thing.

And, G-d, as I'm growing close to You, I pray this might be true. Because You know that last time I wasn't the woman he needed and I praise You for saving me from a relationship in which I was not ready to be a wife.