Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Sex and the Single Woman

When it comes to sex and the single woman, I feel like there are two types of women. There's Sex and the City types (even Charlotte is having sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex) and there's the "good girls". Now I hate this dichotomy. If I have it in my head, I'm sure others do too. If a woman is Christian, especially if she's "really Christian" then she has to fall into the "good girl" category. Good girls do not think about sex. They don't talk about sex except in that dreamy sort of "someday... when I'm married..." way. If they've had sex in the past, when it's discussed it needs to be apologized for. As in, "I obviously wish I hadn't now. I wish I had waited." And they cannot admit that they enjoyed it while they were doing it. (Can you enjoy a mistake? Of course not. And to admit that you enjoyed a sin? I think that's another sin.) Oh and these good girls? They can't even want to have sex. They can't think about it in concrete terms or look forward to it. They can't have a sex drive.

Do you know why I hate this dichotomy so much? Because I don't fit! I've had sex. It did cause me immense emotional pain when that relationship ended to know that I'd given up such a big piece of me. But do you know what else? I enjoyed it. I miss it. I think about it. Hell, last night I had a dream about it. (An unsatisfactory dream mind you...) Sex is something that comes up in my life. And it's no longer because I'm having it. (I'm not.) Or because, as one acquaintance said, I'm broken over it. I've taped myself back together.

I don't have a next step to get rid of this dichotomy. I don't have a plan to make people aware of it. I'm not trying to pull anything here.

But I notice it. And I don't like it.

I want to be a godly woman but if that means not talking about sex at all, not thinking about it, not enjoying it, not missing it, I don't know if I can be a godly woman. It may no longer be every third word out of my mouth but sex is still something I think about. Most of the other Christian women I know my age are also single and most haven't been kissed yet either (by choice. Mostly. Which I honestly can't understand.) When sex comes up, it's either in light of my past or in that dreamy sort of "someday" way. I honestly cannot remember the last time a Christian friend and I spoke about sex and I heard some sort of a sex drive hidden away in her. Except for one but she's weird like me. :) And she's already married. (Hi, hun.)

So as Christian women, HOW do we deal with this? What are the boundaries for honoring G-d, keeping our purity intact, respecting our brothers in Christ, and acknowledging that sometimes it would be nice to get a little less talk and a lot more action?


  1. I read a really fantastic book, challenging the way the church talks about sex - it's called "real sex" by Lauren Winner. I highly recommend it!

  2. I think Dr. Young uses that book for Human Sexuality. I read a different one for the class (there were four options) but I'll look into this one!

  3. Brianna WinzenburgNovember 8, 2012 at 5:51 PM

    To add to the list of Christian women you know who've been through it, you can add me. I've been going through the EXACT same thing.

  4. It's always nice to know you're not alone. :) This idea has definitely been on my mind (heck think back to our first conversation) and it feels like there's such a split. :/