Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Starting Over Again...

It's been eleven months and fifteen days since I broke up with my fiance and called off my wedding. I spent three years planning that wedding. I crafted. I bought. I planned. I saved inspiration photos. Sitting in a box in my bedroom back in America is a wedding dress for goodness sake. I was ready for that wedding. I was ready to get married. I wasn't ready to be married though.

When I look ahead to my future, I have no idea how I'm going to plan another wedding. I absolutely cannot manage another long ass engagement. I don't want to be engaged for more than a year, preferably less. At this moment, I can't imagine falling in love again. I can't imagine starting over a new relationship. I can't imagine learning how to make someone new happy. I just can't imagine how to start over.

I am not saying I wish I was with Ron anymore. I don't want to be with him. It's not about him and this is not some form of denial. I'm seriously over him as much as possible. He was my first love so a piece of my heart will always be his. I will always love who he was. Who he is though? I don't know who he is. I haven't spoken a word to him since May. I haven't kissed him since November 29th, 2011. When I think about kissing and I reminisce about it, he's not the one I think about.

It's just hard to imagine falling in love, starting all over. I'm not sure how planning my next wedding will go. Can I manage it without thinking about my failure of an engagement? Can I plan a future with someone else without hedging my bets? Without holding back because I got it wrong once before? Without remembering and comparing it to the last time I did this? How do you move on after something like this happens?

And yet, when it starts, when I'm flirting with... well whoever I'm flirting with (because yup this girl does have some secrets still), it's easy. I don't compare. I don't think about my ex. I don't think about the next step. I don't have to worry about how to move on to the next stage. It fits. It works.


  1. Just stumbled across your blog and had to comment on this post!

    Having broken off a long-term relationship in the past, I kind of felt like the years I invested in learning everything about that person, all the knowledge I gained, is now completely worthless. But I guess everything happens for a reason and it all leads to where you're meant to be.

  2. There's a quote from How I Met Your Mother that my family pointed out to me (more because I have an English degree but it still fits):When you date someone, it’s like you’re taking a class in them and when you break up, it’s like all that knowledge is useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.

    It definitely can feel like that. What does it matter now that I know the weird things he puts in his macaroni salad? Why should I care if he's afraid of ducks (yes seriously)? I know for me though as useless as that information is the relationship helped me grow and taught me lessons that will be applied to the future.

    Thank you for taking the time to stop by!

  3. Wow! I can't even imagine what it must be like to break off an engagement- good for you for having the guts to do it. That's a healing process that of course takes time- good luck, sounds like you're on a good path :)