Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Animal, Accomplishments, Aspirations, Actualization

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
If I were an animal, I'd be a cat. I love laying in the warm patch of sunshine on the table. I could sleep most of the day away easily. I'm very affectionate and love to cuddle but I also like to play and have fun. Like my kitty, I'm very protective of those I love.

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
A) I stopped hurting myself five years ago. I haven't given in once in the last five years despite being tempted. It was difficult at first but with friends and G-d, I've managed. :)
B) I was the first one in my pedigree to graduate from high school and to get a bachelor's degree. This is a big accomplishment for me.
C) I've never done anything I wasn't comfortable with physically. Every kiss, every step forward was not done under pressure. Though I may now wish that I'd made different choices, never did I make a step because someone else wanted me to.
D) I survived three months in London away from the man I loved as well as all of my family at 19. I then traveled to Germany where I used solely my second language for five days and THEN continued on for five days in Rome alone. I don't speak a word of Italian. When I'm not sure that I can handle some things, I remind myself that if I can handle 5 days in a country where I don't speak a word of the language, I can probably handle whatever the situation is.
E) Ending a relationship that wasn't right for me on my own terms in my own time and coming back from that ready to become the godly woman I want to be and that G-d deserves to worship Him

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
I wish I were better at something creative. Writing, painting, music (guitar/piano, singing). I have a smidgen of talent in each area but not enough that I feel accomplished in any. Mind you though I also haven't worked hard at cultivating a talent in any of them so I suppose that great self-control would be even better. Then I might be able to manage my time, work out to be healthy, write more often, learn to play guitar, practice piano, use my voice for more than singing along to the radio.

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
I'm not entirely sure which to pick. There were some very hurtful things that Ron managed to say during the course of our fights which I forgave. I've had to forgive friends for being well crappy friends. But I think that the most difficult thing to forgive is actually myself. When I chose to sleep with Ron, I broke a promise I'd made when I was 9 years old. Every time that I made the choice to slip into bed with him, I hurt myself. I hurt our relationship as much as it felt like the opposite. I hurt G-d and I hurt my connection to Him. When I finally realized just how awful that was and how much I shouldn't have done that, I felt awful. I dealt with guilt and shame and I struggled majorly with the ideas of purity and virginity, with repentance and forgiveness. I didn't know if I was clean in G-d's eyes but I wasn't in my own. I'm still not sure if I believe I'm pure or clean. I am not a virgin and will never use that term to describe myself again. And I never did like the term pure anyhow. These struggles are sort of on the back burner for me now though I ought to consider them more fully. I have, however, forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made. I'm still broken over it but I'm healing and I've managed to realize why I did that, why I broke that promise to myself. Overcoming that and forgiving myself for that sin is the hardest thing I've had to forgive. And I have brought this before G-d and I have asked his forgiveness. I was never in doubt that He forgave me once I asked and repented. I just needed to know what repentance meant.


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