Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Believing G-d's Promises: Love and Romance

G-d's promises and my love life...

When I left America four months ago, I was technically just as single as I am today. The reality however is different. I left with my heart confused. I left with the idea that though Eric and I were not official and we had no definite plans to become official at any point, that it was almost inevitable that we would try when I got back. And then I traveled 4000 miles away and talked to him every day until I went to Paris. In Paris our internet wasn't so great and didn't extend to my house so I didn't have that option. Cutting our contact dramatically sucked but it helped me to go from a place where I looked at our trying a relationship as inevitable to a place where I realized I had been looking at it like that and I admitted that we might not ever try.

And that was okay.

G-d has given me certain reassurances regarding my future, reassurances I needed. Uterine cancer runs in my family. Every woman for the last three generations has had a hysterectomy at an increasingly younger age. If that trend continues, my reproductive years will be cut very short. But all I've ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. Any job comes second in desire to that. When I was with Ron, I let the fear of cancer overtake my plans. We wanted to have a baby right away basically. If I were still with him, I'd either be pregnant or trying right now. Or at least not trying not to. And as much as I want a baby, that plan wasn't trusting G-d. I finally trusted Him when I let Ron go and relied on His strength to get me through. I crawled into His arms and trusted my L-rd to get me through. I had faith that situation was for the best and that He would help me overcome. And He did. He promised. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

But my current love life. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a fiance. I don't have a husband. The only pregnancy I had ended in miscarriage without me hardly knowing I was pregnant. The children I adore and take care of are not my own. Honestly, I'm wavering between two extremes. 

On the one side, I long to text my boyfriend. To cuddle with him on the couch. Even more than that? I want to be a wife. I want to be done with the searching, the dating game, the uncertainty. I don't want to have to look for that spark. I just want to have to keep it alive. I want to the fantasy that I've spent at least the last 8 years dreaming of. I have no misconceptions that marriage will be easy or that marriage will mean I won't fight with my husband, I won't get upset, I won't struggle with a million things like I do now. I know that marriage is no more of a magic wand than 16 was. But I cannot wait to find my husband. To have romance. To feel arms around me instead of having to content myself with the knowledge that I am forever welcome in the arms of my L-rd. In an e-mail from this summer, Jess said to me, "I also understand not wanting to date. I've been going through a similar thing, in my own way. You don't want to "boy shop," you just want to find the right man, and get on with living."

But on the other hand, I am living. I'm content to be growing in my knowledge of who I am, to be finding my place in the arms of my Father. He's not done with me yet. I told G-d the other day that I trust Him in this case. That I'm putting my life back in His hands, trusting Him for my future, for my husband. I've been given a few brief glimpses into my future by my merciful G-d. My Father knew that I needed some personal reassurance. Apparently for me, a 2000 year old love letter isn't enough. I need personal attention. And He, in His infinite mercy, has chosen to give me what I needed. I don't even remember when it was now but I very clearly remember seeing a snapshot in my head of my husband and me, standing in church, worshipping, with our daughter. And I believe I was also pregnant. This glimpse, this brief moment, was what I needed to reassure me that I will get married and I will have a family. I cannot be 100% certain that I will ever be pregnant, that I will give birth. But I trust my Father. He gave me this moment in order to give my soul rest. When I start doubting, I can take comfort in this one small vision He gave me.

But do you know what? I don't doubt that I'll find a husband. I don't doubt I'll have a daughter. I don't doubt that I will get to be a mother. G-d has calmed my fears about that. It's this moment now. I almost hate to admit this next thing... But in the interest of transparency and trying to preserve my record for posterity (okay more likely for me to look back on ten years from now...) here goes.

I've spent weeks walking down the street and admiring the cute men I see. If someone catches my eye, it seems like one of the next three thoughts in my head is, "I wonder if he thinks this baby is mine." Because of course if they think the baby is mine, I must not be available and they won't express their interest. After all, if I find them cute, they have to think I'm cute. Despite the frazzled look on my face, the unwashed hair, and the blemishes that seem to want to crop up on my face lately. And I don't know how often I've had the thought of somehow actually making a move. Not that I ever do. I always manage to feel badly about not making that move. I feel like I should do something other than that awkward "look away I'm American and eye contact is awkward wait I think he's cute why am I looking away why don't I smile" thing that I do. Because of course that's not going to get anybody to give me their number. (Speaking of which, 4 days in Rome and I leave with two guys contact info and countless people having hit on me. 4 months in Germany and so far nobody's done more than smile. And I had a freaking fiance in Rome!)

I'm done with that. I may be old fashioned but I believe that a woman is meant to follow her husband. Why should this start any different? If I believe that my husband should "Lead me with strong hands/Stand up when I can't/Don't leave me hungry for love [...]/Show me [he's] willing to fight/That I'm still the love of [his] life", why am I trying to find him now? Why am I pursuing? I had this revelation last week (or maybe it was early this week. I don't know. My life just runs together...). 

I want my husband to be my leader. He is supposed to be the head of the household so why am I trying to worry about making the first move? This may not be what everyone thinks but I personally will smile if I think someone is cute and I will flirt if the spirit leads (probably not the best turn of phrase there...) but I will not worry about making the first move. In one of my moments of prayer (which I define as conversation with G-d), I mentioned this and asked Him to please be faithful and to have my husband, the one that's meant for me, my Rory Williams, the man willing to wait 2000 years to protect me, who is willing to die rather than face a life without me, who to save me would do anything. 

To have my husband make the first move. Now I don't know if my husband is here in Germany. I don't know if he's in New York. I have no idea where my husband is. But I do know that when I meet him, when we're ready to take that step and to date, to court, whatever you want to call it, I do know that my dearest husband will be the one to ask me to "go steady". I won't hide my feelings and any man that G-d has set aside for me will be able to read me like a book. Asking me out won't be a complete risk. But it will be his move.

This is how I am trusting G-d. My love life is in His hands. I might get anxious sometimes. I might want to pull it back. That's the problem with a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). It can crawl off the altar. But I pray, I seriously earnestly pray, that G-d would give me the strength and the faith to leave it in His hands.

EDITED TO ADD: I'm trying to get through a couple of the MOUNTAIN of blogs I want to read and came across an entry on The Better Mom that relates directly to this. That can only be a G-d thing. :)

1 comment:

  1. I have been going through pretty much the exact same thing, but I couldn't have expressed it better myself. I really appreciate the thoughts you have put in this :) it's comforting to know I'm not alone (even if I should know better).