Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Inferiority Complex and G-d

I have ten minutes to write a post before I get interrupted by needing to shower. Why do I have only ten minutes? Why can't I push the shower back or hop in now? Because I'm dying my hair. Again.

In case you haven't been taking notes...

When I left for Germany, this was my hair:

Then on August 8th, I had red hair.

 And last month, after I got a trim, I added black tips resulting in this:

And yesterday I picked up "Tiramisu brown" hair dye at DM. And currently one of the two bottles is sitting on my head. The other will be saved. Along with the other bottle of red dye that I could have used and saved myself the 7 Euros. Oh well.

Why do I do this? I'm 22. I don't have grey hair yet (and yes I realize the two are not mutually exclusive). I claim it's because it's fun. Because "I need a change". Because I'd just rather have rich brown hair instead of funky red. Well if my hair were still red maybe I wouldn't mind but it's faded. But ya know what? That's only partially true.

I dye my hair because I think I'm boring. I don't think I'm memorable. I feel sometimes like people don't listen to my stories and that they'd really rather I just shut up. If I dye my hair, then someone is bound to notice me. And then my hair isn't boring normal average brown. (Yes, I did just dye my hair brown. But it's a deep dark rich brown. It's espresso brown. Tiramisu brown. Not mouse brown.)

I remember one summer when I was at Circle C to pick a friend up or drop my cousin off I ran into Coop. Mike Cooper was one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. He was a counselor there every summer for years. He was so high spirited, so passionate, so loud! He used to literally swing from the rafters. Even at 7am. He was one of the highlights of my weeks there. Unfortunately, I didn't get much time to talk to him. At Circle C though you are allowed to talk to the guys, there aren't many chances. And with the counselors they kind of "have" to hang out with their campers. I obviously wasn't one of Coop's. So we'd met and I'd seen him around but I never expected him to remember me. And when I ran into him I said something along those lines. "Hey Coop! I don't know if you remember me. I was here last summer for Kingdom Bound week." And he did. He remembered me. "Of course I remember you. You're friends with Lindsay. How are you?" His enthusiasm and the way he said of course have still stuck with me. Coop is now in Heaven and I won't get a chance to talk with him again until my time here on Earth is done. But sometime in the millennia that we'll have to worship G-d and to share our stories with one another, I'm going to find that man and I'm going to get to tell him that one moment that was so commonplace meant so much to me.

So I have this complex that I think I'm rather average and I don't think much stands out about me. I'm not gorgeous. A lot of people don't understand my sense of humor. I don't think I'm one of those people that strikes others with "She's awesome. I want to get to know her". And I'd love to be one of those people. (Mind you I don't know if those people who do that to me do that to others.) My point today is that even though I have this inferiority complex, I have a G-d that notices me. Regardless of what color my hair is. In fact, He'd probably prefer if I stopped dying it and just enjoyed His creation. But I seem to think I know better, that I can improve on His design. Yeah. Right. I have a G-d that thinks I'm that awesome person who He wants to get to know. Okay my G-d already knows me. Inside and out. Completely. 100% There is nothing I can hide from Him (come back tomorrow for a post on vulnerability by the way). He cares so much about me that He would love if I take delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).

Father, I want to delight in You. And not so that I'll get what I want but because I want to want You. I want to seek You. I want faith. I want You. Give me an all-consuming passion for You, Father.


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