Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Danger in dating

Well it's 10:30pm and I'm thinking about crawling into bed. Not quite ready to sleep but if I get in bed, with my PJs on and a cup of warm tea... I've spent the last couple hours in the kitchen. Knitting my stepsister's Christmas gift (yes seriously), watching Once Upon A Time, and chatting with Kathrin. I also got my Lunette ready for use in a few weeks. It's sad the things I get excited about. Yup, I am excited about using my Lunette for the first time. Sorry any men that happen to be reading that google that term.

Because I was getting my Lunette ready, I regaled Kathrin with some stories about puberty with a single father. It's strange to think that was half my lifetime ago. I've been chatting with Bernadette lately and I'm now almost as old as she was back when we met through JLand. If I live to be 88, this is the one quarter mark. Some people don't get that far. It's just strange to think of.

I went shopping during my break today and on my way back had another realization.

It's dangerous for me to be dating. 

When I date, it is very easy for me to let my head get wrapped up in when this plan will happen and when that will happen and to let my head get away from me. But we don't talk about that last part. I don't listen to logic and my anxiety channels itself into every possible bad scenario. I worry that he's waiting for me to suggest a day. I worry that if I do it'll be too pushy. I worry that he misinterpreted XYorZ and now thinks I don't like him/I'm a freak/I'm a stupid American. I worry about everything. And currently having two separate cultures just gives more fuel to the fire. I could seriously use a list of rules for how to handle this.

The only thing I'm figuring out is that if I seek Him, I stress less. If I seek Him, I hurt less. I worry less. I spend less time with my stomach in knots.

Do I know what's going to happen? No. Do I know where the balance between spending time with friends at bars and spending time at home with Christ is? Not a chance. All I know is that I need Jesus in my life and that if I trust in Him, the guy meant for me will understand that I stress out about little things, will reassure me that I'm not putting him off/freaky/stupid, and will actually suggest a day for when to have coffee. The guy meant for me is not about to be put off if I wait too long to text him or text him too soon. So if Benjamin is, then he's not right for me.


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