Sunday, October 21, 2012


When I was about 10 or 11, I went to a make-up night with my mom. I think it was Mary Kay. The woman gave us the right shades for our skin and told us how to find them ourselves, gave us a bit of everything, and taught us how to apply everything. Do you think I remember much? Nope. But that's not the point. The point is that when it came time to do the concealer, I went to the ladies room. I kind of pretended that the concealer didn't exist. And it's not because I thought I was flawless. I've got these bags under my eyes that you wouldn't believe. They're definitely genetic (though sleep deprivation makes them worse like nobody's business). I refused to use the concealer though. I refused to admit I was flawed in front of these other women. To myself? No problem. I hate my nose. Not enough to get a nose job (though honestly I've considered it) but enough that when I remember how I truly look, it kinda bugs me. I've got problems with my thunder thighs and my pooch and I could go on. (I'm not looking for anyone to tell me "Oh you have such a cute nose!" Or to negate these thoughts. I know others don't think them about me. I still do.) Now I can admit that but back then? Using concealer under my eyes showed I had a flaw, pointed it out, and they would judge me. I didn't need to be judged. Never mind that *every* other woman in that room used it. I wasn't trying to pretend I was better than them. I just wasn't willing to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is scary. It's opening yourself up to be hurt. It means letting others know where you're weak and trusting they won't take that kidney shot. When I let others know that I was broken over my sexual sins, that was being vulnerable. And I wasn't willing to do that with everyone. I chose who to share with based on who I knew wouldn't take that shot. I talked to Jess about whether or not I was pure, what being pure meant. I talked to Mary Beth about how much I was struggling with keeping boundaries again. I talked to Eric about how much I missed that intimacy. I knew these people would support me. Jess reassured me that I was pure, that I was determined not to sin in that way again and that I was made pure through that. Mary Beth told me I was strong enough to develop and maintain boundaries and was willing to help me with that (unfortunately, I wasn't yet ready to really be accountable for my actions). Eric understood how much not having that touch meant to me and helped me realize it was normal to feel that way.

Some people are afraid of being vulnerable with G-d. They fear His judgment, they're afraid they can never be forgiven for what they did, or they just don't know how to let the walls fall down. But we need to be vulnerable with Him to experience His healing, His love. We need to bear open our souls and realize that He can see them anyhow. When I come to Jesus, that mask that I love to put up needs to fall down. Because He sees me already. He already knows that I did not want to wipe the baby's nose for the millionth time today or that I'm basically broke already and the month's half over. (Where'd that money go? 40 to a new sweatshirt, 15 new blanket, 12 sheets, and some other expenses. Most of which I probably didn't need. Thankfully, my wonderful host mom was willing to prepay me for next month for which I feel awful.)

It can sometimes feel completely redundant to tell G-d about these things. He already knows. But He wants to hear it from you. He wants you to come to Him and tell Him about your day. I think it's sort of like a parent who got a phone call from the teacher and already knows how their child's day went but they want to hear it from her anyhow. G-d just doesn't need a phone call from someone else. He was right there with you all day. There is nothing we can hide from Him. When Adam and Eve hid in the garden, it was pointless. G-d knew where they were. And when He asked, "Where are you? Why did you hide?", it wasn't because He didn't know. It's because He wanted His children to come to Him and be honest, be transparent, be vulnerable.

Have you been vulnerable lately? How did that go?


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