Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Glorifying G-d

Today's previously scheduled post on vulnerability has been rescheduled for later in the week. To paraphrase myself from last semester, blame G-d.

This morning while the baby took her (long) nap, I pulled out my journal to get some time with G-d. I've been writing about Him and singing about Him and to Him. I've been listening to sermons and I've been reading books about Him. I've even been reading the Bible. But I haven't spent much time WITH Him. It's like if you spent a few weeks telling everyone about your boyfriend, checking out his facebook page, asking his friends about him, and telling other people how you want to grow in your relationship... But you're not doing much to grow it. When you spend time reading the letters or emails he sends you, your brain is only half there. If you knew someone who was doing this, wouldn't you tell them they're missing something?

Well I was missing something. I pray best when I'm either on a walk by myself in nature, in the shower, or writing. Pen to paper writing. It doesn't work when there's a computer funneling the words through. It's like trying to rinse the dishes when someone else is washing their hands. It's probably possible but it doesn't work as well and I don't like to do it. I'd rather wait. So this morning when I realized I hadn't really prayed in a while, not really truly heart to heart prayers, I pulled out my journal and let it pour out of my pen. And then I thought I was done so I sat down in one of the armchairs and pulled out Minerva so I could read some more of The Christian Atheist. I got a few paragraphs in before I just had to talk to Him. So I started praying. Pouring it out. And one of the things I encountered as I just talked to my Father, my King, was the idea of bringing Him glory.

I really didn't get it before today. And right this moment I do. I think. Enough at least. So I'm going to record what G-d's revealed to me so I'll remember and so maybe it will help someone else who is reading this.

I pray that what I do would bring Him glory but I don't know what that means. My lightbulb moment today is that bringing glory to G-d is like how they tell you in school "your behavior on this field trip reflects on your school so behave yourselves". It's like how when the girls speak English so much and so well considering their ages and the amount of time they've been learning it. People ask them, if they don't know, "How do you speak such good English? Did you learn all that at school?" And the answer is me. They speak English because I'm here. Because I speak it to them. Because they're little sponges. It's not that I'm doing exercises with them or anything but my speaking with them, the language activities we do, the way I clarify to them, it reflects on me. I'm not saying it brings me glory but it's a good reference, a good indicator of what I can do, who I am.

That's what it is when my life points others to Him. When I handled my break-up last year as I did, it was not me. It was Him. Completely Him. Well maybe not the cookie dough part. :) The fact that we're 11 months out and I'm over Ron, I'm ready to move on (when G-d sees fit to lead the right man into my life), that's Him. The fact that I didn't scream and cry, that I didn't hold on tightly until the last possible moment, that was Him. Last Christmas, yes, I was broken hearted. My first love and I ended our relationship. The man I thought I was going to marry basically left me. Yes, I was the one to call it off when I did but he was already gone. At the time, I viewed that as a marriage. My marriage was over. I hurt. I cried. I had a few drinks. And in the aftermath I made a few mistakes. But I drew closer to my family. I clung to those who were there for me. And they were there for me in the exact way I needed them to be.

That was Him. Without my Father to take care of me, I would have been a wreck. People asked me how I was handling it so well. People told me that my strength and the way I coped with it was a testament to G-d. And it truly was Him that got me through. I couldn't have done it alone. The strength He gave me, the moments He held me in His arms as I cried, the nights that I long to be sleeping in the arms of the man I love and I know that I am not alone, that is my L-rd. My father. My King. And He will always be there for me. When I go through a valley and I don't sit down and ground myself there, when I keep moving, that's because of Him. And that is what I will tell people. That is what I will say. When people learn I'm going off my anti-depressants for the first winter since 2006, they're going to think I'm crazy. But I will tell them I can do it through Christ who strengthens me. I will give Him the credit where it is due and I will not let anyone think I can do anything on my own. I can do it only through my amazing Saviour.


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